Walking up every morning.

Living a life I don't feel is mine. 

I'm here yet I'm so far away. 

I go through the day as if I was someone else in a dream.

I go to work. 

I come home and clean. 

I go to bed. 

My heart just isn't in it. 

I feel so dead inside. 

So empty.

It's been a rough 8 months. 

I can't even tell you how I got from then until now.

And I'm sure I won't be able to tell you how ingot from here until the 1 year mark.

Here we are in the midst of more first. 

I just watched as moms posted their kinders first day if school pictures.

I was proud that these CDHers made it. 

I was proud to see Liam's friends.

But I was sad for me.

For Liam. 

Now fall is on the horizon.

I normally would have started decorating for fall because I love the season. 

The orange leaves, pumpkins, boots and sweaters. 

Loved. 

I'm not sure I still do. 

The only fall item up is the garland I never got around to taking down last year. 

It's depressing. 

Halloween will be here before we know it.

Our first Halloween without Liam. 

Halloween was one of my favorite holidays. 

Now I don't even want to celebrate it. 

Team kids is starting back up and I'll miss his smiling face dancing on stage with Candace. 

I don't want to celebrate thanksgiving without seeing Liam's face covered in food. 

I don't want to spend another Christmas without my baby. 

Our first Christmas without a gift under the tree for him. 

Then there's the year mark. 

Right before Christmas. 

I don't even know how I'm going to get through it. 

I don't that day to ever come. 

I wasn't ready to let him go. 

I try so hard everyday to be strong. 

To just make it through the day. 

I wish I could be stronger. 

I wish I could make things better. 

This is all I have.