Cold Hard Truth

The truth is, 

having a child changes you. 

Loosing a child destroys you.

I honestly don't think I'll ever ok again. 

I will always be a broken,

Shadow of my former self. 

And that HAS to be ok. 

I lay here on the couch.

The first night in a week I've started falling asleep before 4am. 

I close my eyes and I see Liam. 

And again sleep eludes me. 

My sweet boy laughing because I'm tickling him. 

Him crawling into my lap at bedtime for snuggles and a song. 

His middle of the day naps in my arms because he refused to fall asleep anywhere else. 

Me whispering "I love you Liam". 

The millions of times I whispered in his ear as he slept,

"I'm so proud if you little man. I love you so much. I need you so much. Just keep fighting". 

And I'm broken all over again. 

No I not ok. 

My heart is broken. 

My soul shattered. 

It hurts so much, I don't know if I can take it. 

But I do. 

Every day I do.

Every night I do. 

I feel so lost during the day. 

Feeling as if I should be doing something.

That I'm forgetting something 

I'm always looking at the clock worried about the time. 

And today it clicked. 

I'm still on his schedule. 

I still get up to feed him before I realize, he's not here. 

Sometimes I find myself in the baby aisle, starring at the diapers.

Hand stretched out to grab them. 

Then I remember. 

I catch a glimpse of a cute boys outfit,

I still stop in my tracks to look at it.

Then I remember. 

I'll have his favorite foods in my hands

Then I remember. 

A few times I opened the back door to unbuckle him from his car seat. 

But he's not there.

His seats not there. 

Last night I was up in the middle of the night. 

On my way back to bed I stepped on what felt like a Hotwheel.

My heart expanded in joy,

And I smiled. 

Then I remembered. 

I feel like my life is a cruel joke. 

You like I've been stuck in a dream that's so realistic. 

There are moments I don't know which reality is real anymore. 

But the wooden box,

Sitting on the shelf,

That's real. 

That's my reality. 

I can't hold my son and hear him giggle anymore. 

All I have is a box. 

A cold hard box,

To match this cold hard reality.