7 Days Till 5

In just 7 days,

my little Liam would have turned 5 years old.

I'm having a hard time grasping the fact that he isn't here.

That I won't be waking him up by singing 'happy birthday'.

That I won't be tickling him until he can't laugh anymore.

It's hard to believe that I won't be planning a party,

or decorating the house.

 

Instead I'm trying to plan something in memory of Liam.

How is this even possible?

I'm so confused by it all.

My heart aches to see him running through the house.

To hear his laughter.

That's the one good thing about PTSD.

I get flashbacks of good memories every now and then.

I can still hear his laughter.

See his smiling face as if it's really there.

I still flashback on all the bad times.

I've tried so hard to run away from them,

but they don't stop.

So I stand there and face it head on,

wait for the flashback to go away.

It's the only way I can survive with less damage.

Here I am stuck between the world of the living,
and the world of the dead.
A piece of my heart will always be in Heaven with Liam.
Yet here I am,
stuck,
trying to find a way to live on.

Birthday parties are fun and happy.
You celebrate,
laugh,
eat cake,
and spoil the birthday boy.

This isn't a birthday party.
It's a memorial thing.
And memorial things are sad.

I have several ideas running through my head to do for little lamb.
I want to have a star named after him.
When I was a kid and my nana died,
I always looked up into the sky.
I felt that when you died,
a star appeared to represent you.
You went to Heaven sure,
but a star would appear for us to see.
It's how I felt as a kid anyway.
I've always loved astronomy,
so naming a star after Liam wouldn't be too far fetched.
And it's something the world can share.

I'm also wanting to release butterflies.
I'm having a hard time getting my hands on caterpillar's or butterflies.
At this rate,
it'll be a butterfly release after his birthday.

I would also like to get a stuffed animal in his memory.
One weighing his birthday weight of 2lbs 4oz.
One weighing his last weight of 23lbs.

Everything else is still up in the air.
Missing him is just so hard.
I still don't know how I wake up every morning.