Change Hurts

(March 31, 2015)

 

The truth is I put on a brave face.

Sometimes I fake a smile.

I fake having all my ducks in a row.

I fake being "ok".

I tell people it's up and down,

and that I'm just trying to figure it out.

 

I fake it pretty good.

I put makeup on my face most days now.

I dress in actual clothes instead of just sweatpants.

Maybe if I look fine on the outside,

I'll eventually feel fine on the inside.

 

Truth is I'm still dyeing inside.

I don't know how to cope with that.

 

Yesterday I was desperate for some kind of change.

Something to make me feel better.

I needed a distraction from the pain.

So I jumped head first into changing around the bedroom.

 

Liam's room has been boxes up for while now.

All that was left was what I wanted to keep,

and train table stuff that's going to a friend.

Since Liam's bedroom was actually just half of our bedroom,

 moved our bed completely over to his portion.

From there everything was moved around.

 

I thought it would make me feel better.

I keep thinking that if I just propel forward that things will eventually be better.

Some tell me I've grieved too long.

Others that I haven't grieved long enough.

What I've learnt is that it's not up to anyone else.

My grief is my grief.

It's mine to live with.

Mine to deal with.

And I don't know how to deal with it.

 

So I propel forward hoping that one day it'll catch up to me.

 

It's just a horrible feeling when nothing has changed,

yet nothing is the same.

At least when it comes to loss.

 

I don't know where to go from here.

I'm holding onto the only things I have left with an iron grasp.

CDH awareness.

Memories.

Pictures and the last of his belongings.

 

My heart hurts so much all the time.

I just can't escape that.

Yesterday was a lot for me.

I didn't know if changing around the bedroom would help or not.

Today I'm trying to keep the breakdowns to a minimum.

Today I've had to take every med in my arsenal to combat the depression.

And the anger.

 

There's just so much anger.

Over everything.

My printer refused to work today.

It kept saying no paper no matter how much I tried.

I trouble shot it for 20 minutes before I lost control.

I no longer have a printer.

I just wanted to print CDH awareness magnets for my car.

The printer is just broken.

I don't know how it got broken,

but I lost it after I discovered it.

I threw it.

Hit it over and over again.

Then sat there and cried and screamed at it.

I wasn't really angry at the printer.

I just needed something to take my frustration out on.

I just miss Liam so much.

And the hurting won't go away.

 

I'm supposed to resign my life to my emotional pain matching my physical pain.

I don't know how to handle that.

 

What I want most in this world,

is no longer in this world.

And nothing can fix that.

 

(2015)

I wish you were here, if you were here

Dear Liam,

I wish you were here with us. 

I wish you were running around the house laughing.

Getting into the cupcakes. 

Covered in chocolate. 

I wish you were here "helping" us get ready for the CDH awareness picnic tomorrow.

I wish I could hold you,

Kiss you,

Tell you how much I love you.

I wish you were here so I would hurt so much.

Cry so much.

Miss you so much. 

It's selfish I know. 

I'm sorry for that. 

I wish I could be stronger for you. 

Stronger for your sister. 

But I'm overflowing with so much emotion that I can't keep it in. 

It just keeps spilling out of me. 

That's how much I love you. 

More than my heart could possibly hold in. 

If you were here right now I'd be kissing your little face.

Tickling you and telling you that I love you. 

If you were here right now we'd be outside playing with glow sticks. 

You'd probably be muddy and I'd probably pretend to be upset. 

We all know I wouldn't be but it made you laugh to think I was.

If you were here right now I'd let you stay up way past your bedtime.

I'd hold you in my arms,

Sing to you,

And rock you until you fell asleep. 

I'd whisper in your ear how much I love you. 

If I could rewind and erase the past 14 weeks and change events I would. 

But only if that meant a healthy happy Liam. 

That's all I ever wanted for you.

To be healthy and happy. 

I knew everything else would come in time. 

Truth is we didn't know what the future ever held for you. 

Nothing is ever guaranteed in life,

Especially your life. 

I know your in Heaven. 

I know your healthy and happy. 

But I can't stop worrying about you. 

That's what I do. 

What I've always done. 

I'm stuck little boy. 

Sitting here stuck in the phantom memories of you being you. 

What you would be doing while we watched tv. 

How you couldn't sit still and always had your cars and trains. 

If you were here...

But your not. 

I still love you sweet boy. 

I will never stop loving you. 

Dear World

Warning: this post is heart wrenching packed with raw emotions and the very last pictures of my sweet boy. 

(Taken in urgent care before being transported to the hospital)

Dear World,

I have a son in Heaven.

His name is Liam and he was 4 years, 5 months and 1 day old.

I watched him die. 

The doctors did all they could but it wasn't enough. 

I'm angry.

I'm hurt. 

I'm lost and broken. 

There's no good days. 

Only horrible 'I can't get out of bed' days.

And zombie days where everything's a haze. 

Liam is real.

The pain of loosing him is real.

I can't just get up and walk away from that.

I love Liam with every fiber of my being. 

And now every fiber of my being hurts from the loss.

(Taken in urgent care after he turned blue and they called an ambulance) 

I remember thinking "it's over".

Liam's pain is over. 

Liam's struggles are over. 

Liam's life on earth is over. 

The fight with medical problems is over. 

And for a split second there was relief. 

From what exactly I'm not sure. 

But I have felt guilt ever since that split second of relief.

Guilt there ever was relief.

Guilt that I couldn't do more to save him.

The heartbreak is so intense I can feel myself drowning.

I had watched Liam bang on deaths door many many times and yet survive.

I thought he'd survive this.

I hoped he'd survive this.

I prayed and begged God to heal my baby boy, to help him.

He did.

He took him home to Heaven.

So there's guilt I didn't pray for God to let me keep him.

I thought I was but I wasn't I guess.

Liam looked at me and said "mommy I tired. I sleep". 

(Goodbye kiss)

I wish I had realized he was telling me he couldn't fight anymore. 

Instead I looked at him and told him to sleep.

That everything would be ok that this would be over soon.

I didn't know.

I had no idea what was to come.

I thought for sure he'd be ok.

KDH would stabilize him and transfer him to Children's where they knew him.

The moment he seized and his heart stopped, he was gone.

I believe it with all my heart.

They got a faint heart beat back but Liam was gone.

And instead of dying peacefully in my arms,

He was surrounded by strangers,

Paddling him and doing CPR and poking him.

That's my biggest regret. 

Not being able to hold Liam and tell him how much I loved him as he passed. 

(Last cuddles)

Packing up

The past few days I have been working in Liam's part of the bedroom to organize his things. Deciding what will go where. It's very daunting and emotionally difficult. 

I have several extra large boxes of donations for children's hospital that I've been collecting for the last month. I have a extra large box of Liam's clothes I'm not sure what to do with. Boxes of blankets and toys galore. I'm on overload. 

I decided to make snap decisions with mostly everything because I'm so overwhelmed. 

Today I saw his bed for the last time, set up and waiting for him. 

I was "ok",

Until a few hours later I walked into the bedroom for something and saw the empty space for the first time. 

I wanted to cry. 

All I could do was close my eyes, take a deep breath and sit down. 

Rendered useless and unable to function once again. 

With it went the bedding. 

Knowing the bed was going to a little boy who needed a bed of his own,

To a little boy that would love it and appreciate it,

I just knew that the bedding needed to go with it. 

Something to brighten his day,

Hopefully the way it did Liam's.

With the bed went Liam's scooter,

Large batman,

2 Thomas DVDs,

And a folding Thomas train track with a train. 

The act of handing these over for a kid in need wasant hard. 

The after math of seeing them gone was heart wrenching. 

More evidence that my sweet little lamb is gone and never coming back 

Two weeks ago I boxed up all his soaps and toys in the bathroom. 

They didn't go anywhere but the laundry room for now. 

I thought it was so hard at the time to do that. 

But I was wrong 

The big hitter was the bed. 

That's the tale tale sign.

I'll be I his room for so long,

Then it feels as if I hit a brick wall.

I spin around to realize it's a brick cage and I'm stuck I the middle. 

Cleaning out Liam's room makes me feel physically sick. 

I don't know how I'm going to finish this daunting task. 

It's a nightmare I can't escape. 

His favorite toys are just there,

Lonely,

Collecting dust now. 

Alone without a little boy to love them.

This is what all the toys in toy story were afraid of.

Being boxed up and forgotten.