Step By Step

(Image is of Liam singing and doing the hand motions to Lauren Diagle's "I am yours" at church)

This week has been so full of ups and downs. Laughter and tears. Wednesday was the roughest.

First I ran into a friend who'd I'd been purposely avoiding every time I walked into Walmart. I hadn't told them about Liam and wasn't looking forward to it. By the time I saw them, it was too late to turn and run the other way. I know that sounds bad, running away and all but I just wasn't ready to have to tell anyone else. I know they meant well when they said Liam was in a better place and that I needed to move on, but the words stung. I've been having a lot of people saying that I need to move on or that I need to get over it. It's hurtful. When I got to the car, I tried. Then I begged God to give me the strength to get through this because there's no way I could get through it without Him.

Later on Wednesday, I was picking up Lanie from school and one of the teachers approached me. Ms H (Lanies 1st grade teacher) told me she had bough a bunch of stuff to donate to Liam's remembrance drive benefitting our local Children's Hospital. She started listing the about and I about cried right then and there. I was so overwhelmed by her generosity and love for Liam. It was amazing really.

Wednesday nights we have TeamKids, which is our church kids program. We just started back up for the semester and it was harder than I had imagined. I missed seeing Liam there. He loved to hop on stage with Candace and sing along with the songs and do the dance moves. Seeing him worship and the way God worked through him was an amazing thing. He loved all the songs but he particularly loved "I am yours" by Lauren Diagle. He would sing this song all the time. I always have to walk away during this. Wednesday night I tried to sit through it because, well it's an amazing song and I've always loved it and it seems so stupid that I can't hear it without crying. I didn't make it. I ran out bawling. I just couldn't hold it in. Prayfully one day things wont be so emotional and heartbreaking.

(Image is the donations from Ms H)

Yesterday I picked up a huge donation from Ms H at the school for the Children's hospital drive in memory of Liam. Pictured is 5 stuffed animals, 1 Anna doll, 1 toy food shopping basket, 5 Dr Sues board books, 1 12ct protein bars, 5 wet ones wipes, 2 3ct Kleenex, 5 hair brushes, 5 15pc hair ties, 5 men's deodorants, 5 women's deodorants, 10 toothbrush/toothpaste kits, and 10 blankets. These items ...will help bring many kids comfort and joy and help take some stress away from parents who may have forgotten these personal items at home. As mom to a child who was in the hospital a lot, I can tell you that the little things like forgetting a stuffed animal or blanket for your little one can be the breaking point. And to have a nurse or volunteer suddenly knock on your door and give you this gift can be a game changer. This is huge. Thank you so much Ms Houle for your huge generosity and helping so many kids and their parents!

 

(Image is 20 stuffed animals and 20 books for donation)

 

Late afternoon yesterday I had to run to Walmart and replace my living room curtains after I ruined them in the wash. I decided to stroll down the Easter aisle to see what they had. I saw these cute small stuffed animals and these board books and decided they were perfect for the kids at children's hospital. I ended up picking up 20 stuffed animals and 20 books. Collecting all this stuff for donation to these sick kids in Liam's memory has been healing. I'm excited about this and can't wait to take everything in.

 

Each day I take things hour by hour. Some hours are crippling and others are uplifting. I can only work towards a future where the happy, uplifting moments outweigh the crippling.

 

 

Check out Liams facebook page or Shooting for Liam facebook page for more details on the Remembrance Drive in memory of Liam for Children's Hospital.

 

 

10 Weeks Gone

 

10 weeks ago today my life changed forever.

10 weeks ago the world lost a beautiful soul.

10 weeks ago Heaven gained a perfect little angel.

Heaven became an even more perfect place that day.

And this world more dreary.

 

 

I will never stop loving him.

I will never stop thinking about him.

His life on earth may have ended,

but for some reason mine continues.

Even though I'm stuck.

Stuck grieving and unable to reach air.

But God left me here to continue on whatever path he has laid out for me.

If only I could find the strength and peace of mind to carry on without him.

 

 

I face each day knowing he wont be back.

Sometimes I awake calm and thinking I have it together.

Others days,

like today,

I wake with flash back of the day I lost my sweet little lamb.

But I know now that it's not bad days,

but bad moments.

 

 

I want to thank you all for your prayers and comments.

I haven't gotten back to anyone whose commented on here.

Truth is,

between blogging from my tablet and not able to see comments on there,

and being drowning in grief,

I haven't been feeling up to responding.

But thank you.

Please continue to pray for us.

 

 

 

Strength Knowledge Wisdom

I don't understand how this little boy could be so full of life and ingrained into our lives and then just one day not.

I'm having a hard time dealing with Liam's loss. 

I've gotten so many people tell me how strong I am for being able to grieve and live at the same time. How strong I am for doing what I did for him for his short life. 

I don't know if that's strength. All I know is that my son was so full of life. He loved life and would want me to continue living and loving it as well for him. For my loved ones. For myself. 

I wake up every morning. I get Lanie around for school. Sometimes I lay back down after she and Justin are gone. Honestly most days I lay back down. I become just here. Every now and then I stay awake and functioning and clean house. I set alarms for everything because time and dates are meaningless to me. 

Days and night blur together and time is lost. 

Earlier I posted the following on Facebook: "Grief feels like being drowned. We have two choices, go down without a fight or kick like hell to reach the surface. I fight even when my lungs burn and my body wants to give up."

A fellow CDH mom and dear friend commented that it was the perfect description of early grief. That later on it would feel like being in a boat and having the waves crash into you. Eventually calm waters with storms further apart. ( paraphrased not quoted of course) 

I can only pray and wait to be pulled onto a boat and then wait for the storms to slow. 

Some days I can lie and tell you "I'm ok". Other days I flat out will say "no I'm not" because I don't have the strength to fake it. Mostly I don't care what others think of how it makes them feel when I talk about Liam or how much it hurts to loose him. On a rare occasion I'll have a moment when the walls fly up and I keep it all to myself. There have even been moments when someone's being rude or insensitive and I've said "oh it's hard for you to be around me? Oh I'm sorry I lost my son and it makes you uncomfortable" and walk away. 

My life and heart feel like the shattered glass from a mirror and now I have to glue the pieces back together even though when I do there will be a huge hole in the middle. 

Life will never be the same. Many people have said things will be better when everything is back to normal. Truth is there is no normal anymore. Our normal was much different than everyone else's with all Liam's medical needs. This was a life most didn't couldn't understand. Now there's this. It's not finding a normal. It's figuring out how to survive. 

I had someone say to me that when things go back to normal that I'd forget all of this. It'll be like it never happened. I was appalled. Truly sickened and shocked into silence. Forget my son died? Forget I ever had one? That would mean his life never mattered. That his story never touched people's hearts and changed them forever. Forget 4 and a half years on my life. Forget all the people I met because of Liam and CDH. Forget the strength and bravity he taught me. No. There will be no forgetting. Liam's life mattered and his story will continue to be told and help others. 

My advice to anyone with a friend or loved one going through such a loss is to be careful of your words and the way you say them. Choose them carefully because you can't take them back and once their out there, the damage cannot be undone. You might think what your saying is helpful but take a moment to step into the grieving persons shoes and think "if my child died and this was said to me, how would I feel?". What you say and do now will make a huge impact on the further relationship with said person. Sometimes the best thing you can do is flat out say "this sucks. What can I do for you right this minute". 

I would never wish this on anyone. And praying for no one to ever have to feel this pain again would be fruitless. So I pray for strength, wisdom and knowledge. May you find your way even in the midst of tragedy. 

Stages Of Grief

I look at this pic Lanie and I took at bedtime and think to myself "will I ever be strong enough to hide the pain?" 

Pain isn't a new concept in my life. I've dealt with more than my fair share of both emotional and physical pain living with fibromyalgia, chronic constant headaches, degenerative disk disease and arthritis in the middle back is extremely painful. Pain meds barely stave off the worst of the pain to lower it from "I'm dying" to "this is the worst pain I've ever felt". I don't even get pain meds to treat my conditions anymore because the doctors say pain meds for fibro is a no no. So I don't even get anything for the degenerative disk or arthritis. I just deal with it and take IBproffen on occasion. 

I live with depression and PTSD. It's really hard being so sad you don't want to get out of bed. Or reliving tragedies over and over again in your mind. How do you fight that find of pain? 

But still. None of that compares to the pain of loosing my baby boy. 

I can't hold back the tears. The damn I built up years ago is broken so the tears fall as they may. 

I had to stay strong for so long. For Liam. For Lanie. For Justin. 

I can be laughing one minute and a crying basket case the next. It's uncontrollable. 

I don't know if I'll get "better". Or get "fixed" or be able to bandage the wounds. 

They say there are stages of grief. I saw this neat chart showing in which order you will go through these stages. I laughed. And I cried. Because grief isn't this neat little concept. It's not a perfect diagram. It's a jumbled mess. You may get so far, and then you'll scramble back through the stages you already "passed". Next time you might get further before you do it all over again. A realistic chart looks like scribbles. 

(Image shows two charts of the stages of grief. On the left the perfect concept of how we go through those stages. The one I wish grief really looked like. And on the right is the realistic version of grief. No I didn't make this. I found it on google but I couldn't have explained it better myself..literally. My mind doesn't process things the same now.)

I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. 

I don't know if I'll ever not be exhausted 

I don't know what the future holds. 

Right now my emotional pain over loosing Liam hurts far worse than all the physical pain I'm going through. And because fibro is linked to depression and PTSD it's only natural that my physical pain keeps getting worse with my emotional. And still my emotions wins. 

My heart feels like it's been stabbed several times and that at the worst moments, starts bleeding out again. 

My soul feels like a mirror that's been dropped from a 100 story building. 

My mind feels like it's tying to tear itself into millions of pieces. My body like I keep stepping out in front of a semi going 200 miles per hour. 

I miss my sweet little lamb. I've said it 100 million times and I'll say it forever more. 

To survive this life, I need to find a way to build myself back up to hide this pain. 

I'm supposed to rejoin the human society. One day soon I'll have to return to work. Right now I can't. Even my doctor says I can't. So what? 

All I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I want to tell this life to fuck off. That it's hurt me over and over. That it sucks for dealing me one crappy hand after another. Why should I have to pretend that all is right in this world when my innocent sweet boy was taken from me and never got a chance to have a life? Why should I pretend that I'm ok, that everything's ok when it's clearly not? 

There's nothing right with a world in which children are suffering and dying and parents are left empty and broken. 

Im supposed to trust that this is all part of a bigger picture that will one day be clear to us, maybe. God saved me from death many times in my life. Why couldn't he have saved my son? 

I'm trying so hard not to question Gods plan. I know he didn't do this to Liam. But why couldn't he have prevented it. I want to have that blind faith, where I just trust in him and give it all to God and not worry about it anymore. Not hurt anymore. But the pain and suffering just keeps coming and it's making me weak at times. Like right now. This very moment when I just want to hold my son close, feel him breathing, watch him sleep and kiss his cheek. 

I keep praying for the strength to not question Him. To trust in him with all my heart. 

Dear God,

Please help me to be strong. Give me strength to believe fully in your promises and not question you. Please give me courage and strength to face this horrendous grief and find a way to conquer it. Please keep me in your light and out of the darkness. 

Amen. 

I love you sweet boy. Please visit me in my dreams and know that I'll always love you. Forever and ever. Until we meet again. ❤️❤️❤️

49 Days Ago

7 weeks. 

49 days. 

Everything changed. 

That was the last time I held you. 

You looked at me with utter exhaustion in your eyes and you said "mommy I tired. I sleep"

"You sleep baby. Rest. It'll be ok. Mommies here. I love you. Just sleep" I told him. 

I didn't know those were the last words he'd ever say to me. Or that I'd ever say to him. 

"Sleep baby. Just sleep"

He didn't even have the energy to cry as he was being continuously poked as the ER staff tried to get an IV but failed over and over again. 

He closed his eyes. Then they opened minutes later and the seizure started. 

They lost his heart beat. He wasn't breathing. 

It was the scariest moment of my life but still I had faith because it wasn't the first time. 

I prayed so hard. 

"God please just help my baby. Heal his little body. Please Lord I need him" I prayed over and over again. 

They got his heart to beat again but it was so faint. They had to intubation him and bag him the entire time. 

For a bit he breathed on his own yet it was weak and they kept bagging. 

I didn't know as I sat there that I was watching my son die. 

He couldn't die. 

I needed him too much. 

But I watched as he slipped away. 

It feels like it just happened. 

I'm so angry. 

I'm so sad. 

I'm lost and broken. 

I don't know where to go from here. 

I don't know how long I can go on. 

No more "huggies" from my son. 

No more sloppy kisses from my little boy. 

No more "cuddled" from my little lamb. 

No more stories. No more baths. No more hot wheels and sore feet. No more of everything that I love about my baby boy. 

But for Liam,

No more medicine. No more hospitals. No more tube feeds. No more owies. No more pain. 

He's free from all the torture this world through at him. 

That should bring me comfort. 

In a way it brings a small bit of comfort but the pain is so intense that it makes no difference in my dark heart or broken soul. 

I miss my baby.