Hospital stay #9 underway...liam update :(

Have you ever wanted to move on past something but are literally stuck? Thats us. I kept holding out hope that all the "rumors" about how things would get better after Liam turned a year, how things would be more "normal" with less hospital stays, would be true. Ive prayed and prayed until ive fallen asleep crying for this. I want it so bad it hurts. It hurts to breathe. Liam is 10months 8 days old and there is no normal in sight. We took Liam to a park on saturday. No one else was there. It was later in the evening, cooler, no wind. I decided to take his 10 month old pics andhis very first pics outside. This was a huge event for him. I was so excited. For once he could act like a normal boy. I laid down a blanket on the grass for him. He laid there looking at everything as I snapped pic after pic. He managed to get a handful of grass. He didnt know what to do with it but stare at it then drop it on himself. I thought to myself "i cant believe were here. I cant believe were finnaly getting to be semi normal". I didnt know how wrong i was at the time. Later that night he started having asthma attacks. He wasnt even moving air within his lungs. I did chest pt and treatments and he seemed fine. I had been 2min away from calling 911 when he recouvered. The only reason I didnt rush him to Children's was because I was warned he was asthmatic and this could potentially happen. He seemed fine all day sunday except he slept all day. When night came he started having asthma attacks again. I was up all night giving pt and treatments. At 6:30a mon he got worse. Headed up to children's around 8:30a. By the time we got there at 10a he had had 8 breathing treatments. When we took him out of the car, he was covered in a rash. From ER he was admitted. They think he has a virus but its speculation. They think that the fact that this happened the same day we took him to the park for the first time was a coincedence. Personally I think theyre wrong. Even though I loved every milla-second of our time there, im blaming myself. I should have known better, thought harder. I captered many wonderful pics of liam enjoying himself, and im glad I did because it wont be happening again anytime soon. His birthday that I wanted to have at a park because we were going to invite alot of people will have to be held somewhere else, possibly even canceled. Another sword in my heart. I wish we could get passed this point of having to issolate and stuck at a hospital every other week. Instead of growing bigger and healthier were encountering more medical issues. The benadryl has worked amazing for the rash and cough, another reason im sure its no virus. Now we have yet another problem. Liam is Biotinadase defficient and needs biotin supplimants. Everytime we give him biotin, he vommits. And some signs of an allergic reaction are respitory issues and rash, which could be coincedence. It scares me because i have no clue what ws can do if hes allergic to biotin. Ive searched the net but theres nothing for a biotinadase defficient person whos allergic to biotin. If a normal person is allergic you just avoid food that have biotin in them and carry an eppy pen around. We cang draw blood for his allergy test because Liam has no veins left to poke. Hes been poked so much his veins dont bleed or hold ivs. He needs a medaport but cant get one until hes not sick and liam seems to never be not sick. My hands seem tied. A few hours of "normal" family outing to a park has lead to this, liams 9th hospital admition, and the unveiling of yet more medical issues. When will it be enough? When will Liam get to do all the things other little boys and their families get to do? I know God has a reason for everything and we have to trust in him. We need a life outside of hospital stays and doctor visits. I wont lie, this is hard. Its taking its tole on me, liam and the fam. I blame myself for everything. Liams cdh, all the hospital stays, evrrything. I have to believe God hasnt done this to be cruel that im at fault otherwise God would just be cruel and ugly instead of forgiving, loving, savior. Whatever I did I wish I could change, take back. Im in an awful place right now, struggling with it all. My son needs a break. He deserves it. Ive gone from praying to begging for liam. Its hatd to have the doctors shrug theyre shoulders and say "i dont know" all the time. Is my son really the only cdher out there baffling the doctors? They act like hes a rubics cubs tbyre trying to solve only its missing all its stickers. I lay everything out for them on a silver platter, its no holds bar when it comes to liams symptoms and still they judt dont know. Im frustrated. Angry. Depressed. Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android