When Life Throws You A Curve Ball

I want to say that life is crazy,

or is it insane,

or just insanely hard?

I'm not sure how to describe my life,

but that it's been filled with one test after another.

They say these trials and tribulations are supposed to make us stronger.

There's also a graphic I saw online that says,

"Don't you think I'm strong enough?"

Well,

No.

I guess not.

I have Fibromyalgia.

It's painful.

I hate being in constant pain,

but I found a way to work around it.

Well for the most part anyway.

That time between major flare-ups that is.

So what happens when I finally figure it out,

and learn to live with it?

God throws me another curve ball.

Another test.

Because a life time of test wasn't enough.

Because in his eyes I'm not strong enough.

Because he just loves me that much??

I went to my doctor yesterday.

My blood pressure is low.

Which is seriously weird considering the stress I'm under.

Helping plan and organize a school carnival is hard stressful work!

I can't tell if my weight is up or down,

because well,

my memory has been tampered with thanks to FM,

and I can't remember what I weight before.

(Liam is almost 28 lbs now if that's any consolation!)

(And it should be because that's amazing!)

(And I'm serious that I can't remember what I last weighed in at,

it's not that I don't want to share)

(although I am embarrassed by it, I know its part of FM)

Anyway....

I got my flu shot.

(yay me for wanting to protect myself and therefor Liam)

My blood work came back.

My kidneys are functioning fine.

My immune system looks good.

I was neg for rheumatoid arthritis.

Here's the kicker though.....

My blood work came back positive for the Lupus marker.

(Just let that sink in for a second, LUPUS)

Lupus?!?!

Seriously?!?!

I didn't even know what that was!

I mean besides your body attacking itself.

And that it was seriously serious.

(Yea I know I said it "seriously serious")

I stared at the doctor.

I mean full on stared at him like

"What the heck man?! You like messing with me right?"

But sadly no he wasn't messing with me.

And how do I know that?

Because he ordered more blood work.

A comprehensive ANA panel to test for Lupus.

So not only did I get crud-tastic news,

but I got stuck my needles twice yesterday,

and I have a fear of needles.

Liam got to watch mommy get 2 owies.

I bet he thought that was payback for all the times I watched him get shots and IV's lol.

My doctor said that because I have several Lupus symptoms,

and that the marker was positive,

that it was important to get the comprehensive panel.

We had to be sure.

After telling me this,

he asked me a ton of questions.

How do you do in the sun?

I avoid going out in it as much as possible.

Why?

Well doc...

It makes me sick to my stomach.

My face feels like its burning and I get this weird sunburn on my face.

And it hurts my eye.

There aren't dark enough glasses in existence to help the light sensitivity.

He looks up at me with this,

"Oh cr@p, why didn't I know this" look.

My bad.

I just figured sitting you down with this huge list of symptoms would make you think I was a hypochondriac and then you wouldn't take me seriously or treat me.

I just figured that because I've dealt with it since I was a teen that it was just something that wasn't a big deal.

Whoops.

So after a laundry list of questions,

he said I had several Lupus symptoms.

Then that's when he got pushy about the flu shot.

He looked at me with wide eyes like he was trying to brainwash me,

and said "why don't we get you a flu shot today"

Me "Um" I look down at Liam and start to answer only he talks again.

Doc "What do you think? I think you should get it"

Me "Yea ok"

How could I deny it when I'm looking down at Liam?

How could I not vaccinate myself when I want him to stay healthy?

Flu shot it was.

For Liam.

But in my arm,

because yea I just "LOVE" getting stuck with needles.

So now Liam and I are vaccinated.

He refilled my meds and added a new one for migraines.

Because having a migraine most days out of the week sucks.

Honestly after the news that I could possibly have Lupus,

I was in a daze.

It's like my brain temporarily froze,

or shut down.

It was my brains equivalent of jaw dropping to the ground.

There were no other emotion at that moment but pure shock.

I thought Lupus has been ruled out last year.

Last December I believe the initial test had come back neg for Lupus markers.

How can it be positive now?

He said that it's probably because there's inflammation in my body associated with the pain.

Uh,

last time they ran the test I was so bad,

I could hardly even walk.

I'm positive there was inflammation there!

And why Lupus of all things?

I don't think I've ever wanted Fibromyalgia more in my life!

The first chance I got last night,

I did a little research of Lupus.

There this one blog of a girl who has Lupus.

Shes been doing Chemotherapy for 2 years to fight her Lupus!

Seriously!

I read there is different types of Lupus as well.

Any way you look at it,

it's not good.

Fibromyalgia is basically a God sent compared to Lupus.

I didn't ask God 'why me?'

Nope.

Instead I prayed that he would grant me the strength and courage to get through this.

If it is Lupus that is.

I wanted to cry.

I honestly almost did while talking to my Grams.

Today I feel resigned.

All I can do it wait until the test result come back.

All I can do is pray.

There was this graphic on FB today:

There was no question about it.

If I could sit on that bench and talk to one person from the past,

someone no longer on earth,

I would talk to my dad.

I wouldn't ask him what went wrong in our past.

I wouldn't ask why he didn't end up with me,

or talk about how different life would have been,

No.

I'd ask what his greatest advice was from what he learned about life.

I'd ask his advice on how to just deal with life.

I'd tell him I love him,

and that I missed him,

that even though I wish I had grown up with him,

that I understood it was out of his control.

Most importantly,

I'd hug him.

So what has been your greatest advice?

What has life taught you?

I've learned life is hard.

If it's easy your doing it wrong.

I've learned you have to work hard and struggle to get anywhere.

And when you get there,

you struggle more.

But it's not impossible to find happiness.

You just have to work to keep it.

You have to be able to see the good in everything.

If you honestly can't see any good in a situation,

you have to be able to get yourself out of it.

That's life in a nut shell.