Finding Strength

I won't lie.

Life is hard.

If your life is easy,

then your probably doing something wrong,

or are in denial.

If your life really is truly easy,

then millions of people envy you.

Nothing about my life has been easy.

NOTHING.

From the day I was born I had to fight.

I was born tiny at barely over 4 pounds.

I fought to survive.

Ever since I've been fighting.

That's what I do.

It's who I am.

Growing up was never easy.

My marriage isn't easy.

Having kids isn't easy.

Having a child with so many medical needs,

sure isn't easy.

And having Fibermyalgia is far from easy.

That's life.

Just because I fight everyday for some happiness,

doesn't mean I'm strong.

Every time I find the strength to overcome one issue,

I'm forced to yet again find more strength to overcome more.

Like I said,

life is hard.

I don't spend everyday complaining.

I spend everyday trying to overcome.

Complaining is a useless act.

It only makes you more miserable,

and makes those around you miserable.

When you complain all the time,

people don't want to be around you.

But what do you do when you plaster a smile on your face,

and pretend everything is fine,

and still no one is there to support you?

You find the strength to get on with life without them!

Before Liam was born,

I had friends.

Not very many but they were there.

We'd get together,

go shopping,

out to lunch,

or just talk.

After Liam was born,

no one wanted to be around.

Instead of being there to support me while I sat there watching my baby fight for life,

they deserted me.

Not one person reached out to me just to say they were there,

No one asked how he was doing.

How I was doing,

No one cared how I was doing.

Total strangers cared,

but my so called friends didn't.

3 years of battles,

30 hospitalizations,

countless surgeries,

and where were those friends when I needed them the most?

Not by my side offering even a shoulder to cry on.

How many times did we have visitors in the hospital from someone other than family and our pastor?

Once.

How many times did family even come visit?

If you don't count my own husband and daughter,

you get 3 times.

But in those 3 years do you know what I heard many times?

"You shouldn't post that, it's to hard to see"

"I can't be around, it's just too hard for me to see"

Did they every take into consideration how hard it was for me?

This was my son fighting for life.

I was by his side day in and day out.

So because it was my own son going through this,

it was easy for me?

No.

No it wasn't.

Saying life was very hard during these times is an understatement.

But guess what?

I survived.

Do you know what that means?

It means I survived the worst times of my life alone without them.

It means that now that things are better,

that I have no room or time for those who didn't care for us when we needed them.

There's no room in our lives for people who don't care for us,

or for people that bring out the worst in us.

They will only bring us down.

Yes I forgive them,

those who decided that being there for me was too hard for them.

But I won't make that mistake again,

and depend on them.

People are unreliable.

People are selfish.

I found strength to get through the last 3 years 3 months,

without the support of "friends".

I will find the strength to get through this Fibermyalgia journey alone as well.

Because if there is one thing I learnt in life,

it's that people will always walk away when you need them the most.

Think that's pessimistic?

It's not.

It's being truthful.

It's being honest.

It's not setting myself up for more hurt.

Life isn't cookie cutter perfect.

No one is perfect.

You have to expect the worst,

but hope for the best.

This life is like scaling a mountain,

you either find the strength to push on,

or you fall.