I wish I may, I wish I might....

So many bad things seem to keep happening. Im sitting here in Liams hospital room thinking that if only I had my computer with me I could get alot of work done spreading CDH awareness. If only I didnt have to leave it with Justin. If only I had one of those tiny computers I could just put in my backpack. One with a webcam so I could skype with my family. If only the yukon wasnt broke down again. If only Liam would stop getting sick. If only theyd finnaly give Liam a mediport so he didnt have to be tortured for IV access every few days. If only I didnt have to watch my son grow up in a hospital surrounded by misery and pain. If only I could be there to watch my daughter grow up. If only my heart would stop breaking. Theres all these love and loss songs but where are the ones that depicts a family torn apart and a mothers breaking heart? I know Im strong because Im still here at Liams side. I cried while talking to my aunt today. The last time I cried talking to her was when I called her after Liam was born and flown to UCSF. I thought how come she is more like a mother to me than my own mother? How could she care more than my own mother? It made me resent my mother that much more. Theres a black spot where she used to be. When I needed her the most she wasnt there. When I was laying there in that hospital bed scared, hurting, broken hearted and lost she was nowhere. Unreachable. Untouchable. Shes been that way for years now and most of my life. Never there when I needed her. I really really needed her when Liam was born. I needed her today, for whatever reason my heart was broken more at the reminder she couldnt care less. If I had one chance to talk to her, I'd tell her I resent her for not being there and for walking away. That when I think of her I feel contempt. The only example she set was how not to be. When it all seems too much I remember think of her actions and it makes me more determined to be everything she wasnt. So I guess I can thank her for that, and only that. Star light Star bright I wish I may I wish I might Have the wish I wish tonight...... The strength to keep fighting when I feel weak and broken The will to carry on when things look bleak and weary The patients to endue the long lasting battle The faith to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel The ability to mend my broken heart Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android