Grief Journal: Priorities

21) Have your priorities changed since you lost your child?

Before Liam passed away my main goal was to keep him as healthy as possible. That was  my top priority. My second was to give him as normal a life as possible. It was extremely important that despite his many medical issues, that he be a normal boy and experience normal things.

Playing in the mud.
Going to races.
Going to school.
Having birthday parties.

(October 2015 Pumpkin Decorating)

Those are just to name a few. I didn't want him to feel any different than any other boy his age. I also wanted him to not be ashamed of his differences like:

His feeding tube (which he enjoyed showing EVERYONE).
His nasal cannula and oxygen (the kids at school said he was cool like an astronaut).
His frequent meds and breathing treatments.....
and more.

(November 2015 After having to go to school with his oxygen)

I would say that I succeeded greatly. Or that WE (my husband, daughter and I) succeeded greatly because it really was a team effort.

(2014)

However almost every minute of every day was planned out and busy. Even "free time". His schedule always came first. It was always TOP priority. His health was always TOP priority. We'd drop whatever we had to at a moments notice to rush to Valley Children's ER. Bags stayed packed with what I donned our hospital gear. Everything was meticulously planned out and there was always a back up plan.

When Liam passed I became lost. Even to this day 2 1/2 years later, I can look at the clock and tell you what I'd be doing if Liam were alive. Since his passing all our priorities changed. Yea we knew we could lose him in the blink of an eye because of what we went through in NICU and his first two years. As the years went by it became less and less likely though that it would happen. Then it did. We got a quick lesson in how quickly our lives could be over and one of us could be gone. That changed a lot of things for us, including our priorities.

Our main priority now is to give our daughter a better life. To enjoy life more than we did before and experiencing things we couldn't do because of Liam's health. We started kayaking as a part of this new outlook on life. I can tell you with almost perfect certanty that if Liam were here, we probably never would have even tried kayaking because it would have compromised his health and well being, plus my sanity because to have MY crazy wild little boy on a kayak would drive me to insanity with worry.

(August 2017 Justin, Lanie and I relaxing on the kayaks)

We try to work to enjoy life more versus work to pay bills only. I can say our lives did a complete 360. To be honest that's the only major priority.

Now I would trade it all back for my son in a hot second if I could.

Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Different

20) How do you feel different than you did before you lost your child?

Since losing Liam, I feel lost like I have no direction or reason. Liam was my reason. Taking care of him and making sure he stayed healthy and had a full life was my reason. I feel like I'm barely treading water most days. Other days like I'm 5 feet under water and no matter how hard I kick I can't ever get above the water. Before losing Liam, I had a strict schedule, now I can't seem to keep one. Life is so different now than it was. I can feel his loss everyday. 

(Liam May 11th 2014)

Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: What Have Your Learnt?

19) What have you learnt about yourself through the loss of your child?

Close your eyes and envision your babies. Feel the love you have for them overfill your soul. Now imagine losing one. Having to bury one. Imagine the pain, the heartbreak, even your soul shattering. Now know that the actual pain of losing a child is 10 thousand times worse than that. They say that you can actually die of broken heart syndrome, something that happens when you loose a loved one.

I learnt that you can live and breathe despite the pain of losing your child. It's difficult to say the least but it is possible. I learnt that you can still have a life. No it's not the life you imagined with your baby, but you can still live and even be happy. 


Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.

On This Day May 11th

Facebook's "On This Day" can be a blessing and a curse. Some days I can't stand to look back on the memories because they hurt so much. Other days, they show me exactly what I need. Like a smiling picture of Liam or a video of him singing. Today was a mixture of both.

In 2016 I posted pictures of playdough creations Liam's preschool friends made me. I wrote the following:

On April 28th I started volunteering back I'm Liam's preschool class. I thought it was going to be very difficult, that maybe I'd even have to walk out because I'd start crying. And like I also expected, they asked about Liam. And they like I didn't expect, they would randomly walk up and hug me or just hold my hand. During center, I worked at the playdough table where we had to make bugs. After the kids were able to create anything. I randomly took the pipe cleaners and made hearts. The kids thought it was awesome and continued to ask me to make more for their creations. When they were done they presented each one to be saying they made them for Liam. Some were for me. I almost started crying right then and there. How special are these children whose hearts are huge and willing to love unconditionally and grieve with a smile on their face? They tell me they miss him and that he's their friend. "Of course he's your friend. He will always be your friend" I tell them. They smile huge back at me. Kids deal with things differently. Sometimes I wish I was more like them. Believing without seeing. Always having faith in everything and everyone. I carrying with me forever in my heart these memories and they help me more than these kids will ever know.

As hard as it was to go back to volunteer in his class, it was also a blessing. I needed to be there with those amazing kids, Liam's friends, to be reminded that there was still so much love and innocence in this world. Being there with them twice a week got me through some really tough times. I work  at their school and have been able to watch these kids grow. They're in 1st grade now and have gotten so tall. Every day they come through the lunch line and they smile at me, tell me "Hi Ms Aubin" or give me that shy silly smile that always makes me laugh. 

Then there was the day we got a glow in the dark surprise. In 2015 I wrote:

We got a surprise! So today I got a call from hubby saying to get home because the dog ate Liam's gtube button. Yes folks you read that right. The dog...ate...Liam's gtube. He just decided it was a toy and pulled it out and ended up eating it. Justin said he heard Liam yelling at the dog "no dog no! Bad dog!" So he turned around and saw what happened. Liam didn't cry, he just scolded the dogs. That's a new one for us and now we know that Liam isn't allowed outside with them unless he has on clothes. Apparently the dog really like the smell and taste of the stomach leaking. Smh. Anyway. I came home and cleaned him up and put in a new button. I got to looking at it and that's when I realized it was a glow in the dark button!! We've had a blast with this tonight. We called him a ghost, ET and taught him to say "et phone home" then called him a glow worm. Liam thought it was the coolest thing ever to have his gtube glow.

I had been getting him ready for bed when we noticed it glowing. Talk about an exciting event. We thought it was just so awesome. It's the little things that made life easier.

(2014)