Turning the BIG 10

It's hard to believe that in about 2 weeks I will have a 10 year old! It's the BIG 10!! When I turned 10, it was a BIG deal. The one thing I remember and cherish is that when I turned 10 years old, my Nana gave me my first watch. Not some cheap little plastic thing covered in cartoon characters. It was not digital because at 10 years old you should be able to tell time with an analog watch. I meant so much to me that I, to this day, still have the watch. This was something that I wanted to pass down to my children and make tradition by buying them watches when they turned 10. My daughter may find it strange when she opens it but it will mean something when she grows up and had kids of her own.

So here I am in shock that I'm about to have a 10 year old daughter. Not only is she turning 10 but her cousin is turning 10 a few days later. So this year we are doing something completely different and throwing the cousins a joint birthday party. The Super 10! Yesterday I took both Lanie and her cousin and took their pictures to commemorate the event because you only turn 10 once!

Grief Journal: Meaningful Quote

12) What quote or scripture has been meaningful or comforting? Why?

Even in my darkest hour I know God never left me. If  he had, all hope would have been lost and hope was never lost. He is the only reason I've been able to find the strength to carry on and when I don't have the strength he carries me. 



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Grief Journal: Liam's Story

11) Tell your child story in 100 words or less.

Liam was born with CDH but he was a fighter. He never let his diagnosis define him. He was a very happy little boy who loved life more than anything. His passing was sudden and shattered us. He will forever live in our hearts. I will never forget his smile or his laugh.

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Grief Journal: Secondary Losses

10) What are some secondary losses to the loss of your child?

When we lost Liam we lost an entire future. Christmases, Birthdays, watching him grow. We don't get to watch him graduate high school or college. We don't get to see him fall in love and get married. We don't get to spoil his children because he doesn't get to have any.

 I lost being a stay at home mom. I loved being able to spend all my time with my kids. Yes Liam's medical issues were extremely time consuming and mentally exhausting, but it was worth it. He was worth it. He was my reason and when we passed away I lost myself. Two years later and I'm still trying to figure out who I am. Now days I'm just trying to keep busy, keep my mind occupied so I don't go crazy.

Even then I question my own sanity. I feel as if I'm losing it. I remember him running through the house laughing and using my couch as a slide. Just today I was cleaning out the cabinet above the oven and found the very baby bottle I filled with water for him the day I rushed him to Urgent Care to try to get fluids in him. The day he passed away. I was immediately engulfed in a flash back. I was right back there. It feels like it just happened. So not only do I feel like I'm losing my sanity but like I'm losing my future. I don't know what I want out of life anymore or what I want to do with it. I feel stuck. I'm a mom with no baby to hold in her arms.

When I was pregnant with Liam I suffered a uterine rupture. Because of this it's too dangerous for me to be pregnant again. Because I lost my baby, and I'm a mom without a baby now, I'm now mourning the inability to have another. If I could turn back time I would find a way to save my son. If I could turn back time I would change my decision to have my tubes tied. I can't so I'm just stuck.



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