A Year in Review 2017

2017 wasn't the best year for us but it wasn't the worst. 2017 brought on a lot of first's and new adventures.

February

In February we threw Lanie her first surprise birthday party. I vowed then that I wouldn't attempt another surprise party for her as it's so hard to keep her from figuring it all out. Lanie turned 9 and she got her first loft bed. Click here to read more.

March

We went to a little pop up carnival.

April

We celebrated Easter 3 times. At church the Wednesday before, at Hume Lake with my Bakersfield fam and with hubs fam.

We made fairy and gnome gardens.

May

Lanie had to do a solar system for school. She loved it and even made her sun glow.

We did our first trip to Morro Bay of the year. I think our grand total trips there for the year is 4.

June

We started having weekly water balloon fights.

I got my nose pierced.

In June we started Kayaking. We had a blast and life started looking less bleak.

Click here for more pics.

Justin and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary with a trip to Morro Bay, just the two of us.

Lanie got her first fidget spinner. This started an epidemic in our house and both Lanie and Justin started collecting them.

July

We hosted 4th of July at our house for family and friends.

We Kayaked Hume for the first time. Its hard to kayak with another person in a single person kayak.

She had her first Vanilla Bean Frap and loved it. Although this pic insinuates otherwise.

Lanie learnt to Kayak on her own at Hume Lake and stole my Kayak. We knew then she needed her own.

We celebrated my 34th birthday at Chillies.

We spent a lot of time kayaking Kaweah Lake.

We kayaked Morro Bay for the first time and got to check out the jeti and found huge shells.

August

In August Lanie started 4th grade.

Lanie got to go to Quantim Leap for the first time.

We went to Morro Bay with Aunt Rose and Uncle Cliff

September

I got my first letter board and have been obsessed ever since.

We went to the Tulare County fair.

We went to the Bakersfield fair with my Aunt Rose and Uncle Cliff.

In September Amanda and I were on the Rob and John radio show on 88.9 to talk about child loss awareness and our event in October.

October

I went from long hair to short hair.

After two trips to the ER, I was diagnosed with Epiploic Appendagitis. It's rare but supposed to clear up on it's own. After it not, I was sent to a surgeon who said that I most likely have endometriosis and that he wouldn't remove the effected epiploic until they fixed the endo.

We held our first annual memorial and balloon release for Sent from Heaven.

I walked the first annual witches walk with friends.

Lanie decorated pumpkins with friends.

In October we threw our 2nd annual Halloween party.

Lanie dressed up as a deer on Halloween and posed for some great pics. She even got hunted by uncle and cousin Chase when we took her over to see them.

November

Lanie made the honor roll.

Got my first pieces of Rae Dunn after searching for 4 months. I used these dishes for a taco bar.

December

December was busy as I eniciated Operation Christmas Elf after Lanie proclaimed she hated Christmas because we lost Liam right before. I did all I could to bring joy to her December.

We decorated cookies several times.

Lanie took a picture with Santa and Mrs Clause.

She went ice skating for the first time.

Made salt dough ornaments.

We decorated "gingerbread" houses.

She was also in our Church's Christmas play.

December also brought Christmas Eve with two different family parties, Elf on the shelf antics and much more. We also delivered the gifts we received during our annual Christmas toy drive for Children's hospital.

Got to go shop in Fresno where I got to go into my Disneyland, Barnes and Noble and got 4 new books. Then went to Home Goods and found Rae Dunn mugs! 4 ladies looked at me like I was nuts for only picking my top 2 faves and walking away, while their carts were full. 

We had a pretty good year looking back at all we did. 

Grief Journal: Hurtful Words

9) Some well-meaning but hurtful things people have said or done are....

"It's part of God's plan"

No. No it's not. God is not vengeful. He sees all and knows all and weighs the options before choosing the right path. Yes he could have saved Liam but what would have been the price? Would that outcome have been worse? Only God knows. My child was not taken by God. 

"At least you can have another"

For starters one child does not and can not replace another. Lanie did not replace the twins I miscarried. No other child can replace my Liam. Second, no I cannot have any more children. I suffered a uterine rupture during my pregnancy with Liam so it's too dangerous to try. My tubes are tied and I'm facing a hysterectomy due to health issues.

"You need to move on"

Imagine your life without one of your children. Can you? Can you imagine how you'd feel if one of your kids died? The heart ache that would follow? There is no moving on from losing a child. There is only trying to live each day with a whole in  your heart. 

"You lost a kid? Yea I know how that feels. I lost my grandpa (dad, mom or substitute anything here)"

I too have lost a grandparent and a parent. It's NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like losing a child. Your child. 

"At least you have your daughter"

Again one child does NOT EVER replace another. EVER.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: The Things I'd Like To Say

8) If I Could Tell My Child Something I Would Say...

You were perfect.

I love you more than I have or will love anyone.

I needed you more than I needed air.

I miss you more anyone could possibly miss someone.

I wish you were here.

I miss our lunch dates.

I miss listening to you talk.

Your smiles and your laughter kept me going.

Every second with you was worth it.

I'd do it all over again to have you.

If I could have saved you,

I would have.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.