Kayaking

Three weeks ago we tried out kayaking for the first time.

I've wanted to kayak for years.

I was instantly hooked.

For the first time since we lost Liam,

something gave me true joy.

I didn't have to fake the smile on my face.

I didn't have to pretend to be happy.

At the end of the second after it hit me that I had been truly happy,

I broke down crying.

Not only do I have to try to keep my head above water so the grief doesn't drown me,

but now I have to battle the rapids of  guilt.

Guilt that I felt happy even though my baby boy is gone.

I know that if he'd been here with us that he would have loved kayaking.

He would have loved the swimming and the fishing and the ducks.

I wanted so much for him to be there with us.

Right now this is what I have.

Kayaking.

It calms my soul.

If the emotions get to be too much then I paddle harder until I can't think.

Or until I can handle the thoughts running through my head.

That's what I've needed.

A way to process things.

It's been exactly a week since I've last been kayaking.

I realized after the second time that it only takes a mere 2 days before depression sets in again.

Before things get worse.

It seem's that I've become addicted to this sport.

I'm not the only one.

Lanie loves riding in the kayaks with us.

She's practicing paddling so that she can get her own kayak next summer.

Justin loves it as well.

Only he loves fishing from them so has turned his into a fishing kayak.

Just shy of 19 months our from losing our little boy and our lives are changing again.

The colors of the world are still dull.

I still have to power through events and holidays.

I still have to choke back the tears.

I'm still get so overcome by hurt that all I can do is curl into a ball and cry.

But for the first time,

there was true happiness.

I'll leave you with this...