Graduating To Heartbreak

This week has been such a mix of feelings.

Liam's preschool class spent the week making giant mother's day cards,

as well as preparing for their graduation.

 

These kids have come so far.

They've grown so tall compared to what they started the year at.

They're so smart,

and have learned so much.

 

As I watch them I am both proud and sad.

Proud because of how far they've come.

Sad because my Liam should be right there with them.

 

I won't be getting a giant mothers day card with Liam's handprints.

This year was supposed to be the first year.

The first year my baby boy came home with a mothers day present for me.

These little trinkets and handmade gifts seem just that.

Unless your a mom.

Then these pieces of paper and paint become this heartfelt,

most wonderful gift.

 

I still have all the little thing Lanie made me over the years.

They mean something.

They're not just paper and paint,

popsicle sticks,

glue and glitter.

Our little ones put all their love into making these sweet things.

And when I lost my son,

I also lost these precious moments.

 

He wont wake me up Mothers Day morning,

saying "Happy Modders Day Mommy"

He wont proudly present me with his handmade gifts on Friday.

And that's hard.

 

The preschoolers will be doing a graduation ceremony at the end of this month.

I won't get my son up that morning.

I won't get him showered and dressed nice.

I won't get to take before pictures.

I won't get to drive him to school and proudly hold his hand as we walk to class.

I won't get to see him presented with his "diploma".

I won't be presented with a picture of him wearing a tiny cap and gown.

Because my son is gone.

 

I'll wake up that morning.

Done my minions shirt for their theme.

Drive to the school.

Help the teachers wrangle the kids.

Walk to the cafeteria for their ceremony.

Stare at the seat they're setting a stuffed minion in and Liam's picture.

Politely clap for each child called up to receive their "diploma".

Listen as they most likely mention Liam's name.

Walk with the kid back to class.

And help them with activities.

All while trying not to cry.

All while feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

 

I didn't just loose my son.

I lost the rest of our lives full of memories.

 

My son will forever be 4 years 5 months and 1 day old.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mommy Time

 

 

I remember when I was begging for "mommy time".

Back then life seemed so stressful.

So exhausting.

I hardly slept because Liam's care was around the clock.

I hardly slept because I was always worried.

 

It's exhausting constantly worrying.

Worrying he would get sick.

Worrying that we'd end up at the hospital again.

Worrying that he wasn't growing properly no matter what I did.

 

And then there's the worst part of all...

 

Worrying,

no fearing something worse would happen to him.

 

As parents of a child born with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia,

we learn at their birth that their lives are so fragile.

That their health is hanging from a think fragile string that can break any second.

The common cold can send them to the hospital.

RSV puts them on oxygen and in worse cases,

cause them to require a breathing tube.

We learn that there is no way to see into the future.

No way to guarantee that the future will be bright.

No way to foresee how long they will survive.

 

We learn to cherish every moment,

every breath they take because it could be their last.

 

This was always in the back of my mind.

That fear that today could be the last.

And yet faith and hope always won.

This war inside my mind was exhausting.

 

I needed,

I begged for me time.

Time to myself.

To do something for myself since I never did.

Everyone else always came first.

I was always the last on the priority list.

 

Today it all feels so stupid.

So petty.

I can't have that time back.

Time I wasted fighting for me time could have been spent holding my son.

Playing trains and cars.

Jumping in muddy puddles.

 

I hardly every got me time,

but it seems so stupid now that I even wanted it.

Now that I don't have my son.

 

This is weighing heavy on my mind today.

Justin and Lanie took off to the lake and I'm just sitting here.

Back then I would have been thrilled to have this time.

Not I just want my baby back.

We used to spend this time together playing,

and watching TV.

 

We used to pick a movie,

pop some popcorn,

and cuddle on the couch until he fell asleep.

 

My new reality is that it's just me,

alone on the couch,

with Netflix,

two cats,

and my blog,

wishing for my son.

 

 

 



All The Pretty Little Horses

In jumior high we sung this song in choir called "All the pretty little horses". It talked about going to sleep and dreaming. After the last 24 hours thats all I want to do!

{picture of Liam and I at Urgent Care}

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind. I forgot about my appointment for my back, had to take Lanie to Urgent care, had a LONG night and woke up with a very sore back, had to take Liam to urgent care, make several calls, fills several scripts at several pharmacies.

Can today be over with?

Turns out Lanie has a yeist infection. Shes been prone to them since she was a baby. She doesn't do baths, only showers but thats mainly because we only have a shower at our house. Cream for 7 days and shes good to go but has to drink more water, go to the bathroom more often and wipe better.

Liam has been in lots of pain all day long. I texted his pedi and under his advice took Liam to urgent care. Liam has a swollen urethral. We left urgent care with little info on this. The one peice of paper they gave only said what it was not how to treat. I broke down and texted the pedi back as well as gave Liam some Motrin. Pedi said to put neosporin on it twice daily for 7 days. Thank goodness for something to help this little lamb.

Me? I have a massive headache and Im miserable. My kids are miserable. Thats just what today is. I did however find it a blessing that Liam was actually able to go to urgent care for something considering in the past it was either to the pedi or straight to Children's ER. I didn't get any coffee today but I did find popcorn chicken in he freezer so had that and some buffallo sauce. Also Justin did the dishes. See today had some perks to it.

On another good note, today is day 3 no soda!! My headache is not a caffine headache but a stress headache since I'm stressed to the max. The stress caused a few panic attacks today but they were small. More little blessings. I can see the blessings laid out before me and I'll probably feel more greatefull for them tomarrow but today I'm using them to hang on to a thread of hope to just get through today.

Don't forget to check out my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/MommyConfessionalinmyshoes

Just keep swimming

I ran across a pic that's floating around Facebook today. I laughed the. Realized how very true it is. I've been cleaning the house daily and as soon as I get one room done and turn my back it's an absolute mess again. 

It's been an absolute nightmare cleaning with everything else I have to do. With  a small child who has a lot of needs, medical and otherwise and a kid in Kindegarten who is still trying to learn to pick up after herself my hands are absolute full. Every time I go to start one chore it's always "mommy I need this" and "mommy I need that" and what happens? The chore is yet again delayed.  Sigh. That's life. One day I tell myself. One day the kids will be old enough to help out and clean up their own messes. At least every mother hopes for that. 

I find myself saying this over and over in my head on those days that just seem the worst:

"Just keep swimming Just keep swimming" 

Thank you Dory for the inspiration to keep up the hard work. 

It's fiting this graphic quotes Dory.