Graduating To Heartbreak

This week has been such a mix of feelings.

Liam's preschool class spent the week making giant mother's day cards,

as well as preparing for their graduation.

 

These kids have come so far.

They've grown so tall compared to what they started the year at.

They're so smart,

and have learned so much.

 

As I watch them I am both proud and sad.

Proud because of how far they've come.

Sad because my Liam should be right there with them.

 

I won't be getting a giant mothers day card with Liam's handprints.

This year was supposed to be the first year.

The first year my baby boy came home with a mothers day present for me.

These little trinkets and handmade gifts seem just that.

Unless your a mom.

Then these pieces of paper and paint become this heartfelt,

most wonderful gift.

 

I still have all the little thing Lanie made me over the years.

They mean something.

They're not just paper and paint,

popsicle sticks,

glue and glitter.

Our little ones put all their love into making these sweet things.

And when I lost my son,

I also lost these precious moments.

 

He wont wake me up Mothers Day morning,

saying "Happy Modders Day Mommy"

He wont proudly present me with his handmade gifts on Friday.

And that's hard.

 

The preschoolers will be doing a graduation ceremony at the end of this month.

I won't get my son up that morning.

I won't get him showered and dressed nice.

I won't get to take before pictures.

I won't get to drive him to school and proudly hold his hand as we walk to class.

I won't get to see him presented with his "diploma".

I won't be presented with a picture of him wearing a tiny cap and gown.

Because my son is gone.

 

I'll wake up that morning.

Done my minions shirt for their theme.

Drive to the school.

Help the teachers wrangle the kids.

Walk to the cafeteria for their ceremony.

Stare at the seat they're setting a stuffed minion in and Liam's picture.

Politely clap for each child called up to receive their "diploma".

Listen as they most likely mention Liam's name.

Walk with the kid back to class.

And help them with activities.

All while trying not to cry.

All while feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

 

I didn't just loose my son.

I lost the rest of our lives full of memories.

 

My son will forever be 4 years 5 months and 1 day old.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Support

          In the midst of a fibermyalgia flare up I feel lost, not in control of my body. The pain is so intense all I can feel and think about is the pain. Nothing feels good. The slightest feather light touch causes pain. Forget about covering up with a blanket. There is no comfort zone. No way to relieve the pain.

          Today is day 5 of this flare up. I though I was only on day 4 but lost a day of my memory. That's another problem with fibromyalgia. Your brain feels like it's in a fog. You loose your memory. At times I can't remember where I set my phone or keys when only seconds earlier they were in my hand. I lock the door and by the time I get to my car I can't remember if I locked the door or not.

          I have constant headaches. They never go away just change in intensity. At this point in my typing up this post I am hurting so bad I want to give up. Just erase it and forget about it. Nothing I do during a flare up is pain free.

          Today has made me realize that I need a support group. My husband understands that I hurt. It scares him. But he doesn't understand the intensity of the pain. He doesn't understand what I feel. He doesn't understand that when he comes into the bedroom and lays across my legs in an attempt for physical contact that it's not comforting me. It's causing pain. This morning he did so and I ended up in tears crying for half an hour until the tramadol could kick in to skim just the top layer of pain away and stop the tears.

          I need to connect with people who understand what this feels like. People that can virtually pat the on the back and say it'll pass. That things will get better. Flare ups don't stay.

          Most of all, I needed to share my story. Blog about how I'm feeling. All in hopes of remembering in case I forgot and the doctors needed to know. But more importantly I needed to spread awareness and reach out to my readers in hopes to connect with others going through this same thing. It's a lonely journey. I've had symptoms for years but was just diagnosed a few months ago.

          Back in December I had a huge flare up. I could hardly walk. The doctor I was seeing at the time came to the conclusion (with my help) that what I had was Aspertame poisoning. Then in April/May when I had another flare up, I saw a new doctor. Went through physical therapy. x-ray's, and blood work and at the end he decided to diagnose me with fibermyalgia. That was after he tried me on Gabbapentin. Gabbapentin caused my already over talkative nerves to talk even more creating even more pain. Like electricity. I stopped the Gabbapentin and the pain went back to what it was before. Still very painful, but not so many electric shocks.

          Right now I'm on Ampetripiline, tramadol and flexeril. I personally don't like meds. I won't take them unless I absolutely have too. I take the tramadol at bedtime and only in the mornings if I have too. I hate having a condition that forces me to take heavy duty pain meds. But what I hate even worse is being in so much pain I can't be there for my kids. I can't play and laugh with them because it causes even more pain.

          I feel lost and alone in this. All I can do is keep faith that it will soon pass. That flare ups will start being far and few apart.