I can't deny that I'm scared. I'm the kind of person who needs to know what the future holds. What to expect so I can prepare for it. My future still stands on a balance beam. My future is unknown. The unknown scares the utter baloogas out of me. We know I have fibromyalgia. There's no cure, just a lifetime of constant pain, and flare ups that have me stuck in bed. But there's more.
Yesterday I wen't to the doctor. I went expecting a med change. There's a back story to this:
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago after I had strep throat. I didn't seem like I was getting any better. When I went he discovered that I had a sinus infection as well. I was given Zyrtec for my allergies and Flonase for my nasal symptoms. I had explained to him that when I was on Prednisone (oral steriod) for three days that I had no pain (with the exception of my throat). He said that if the Flonase helped my pain to go back and see him and we can add an oral steriod to my meds.
Those that know me really well know that I hate taking meds. Even your basic tylenol or vitamin. I know that I didn't like taking them before Liam came along, but after his birth and all the meds he's had to be on that it intensified my dislike for meds. I've been hating to have to take the meds for my fibromyalgia. The last thing I wanted to do was add another med into the mix. But I'm desperate for relief.
So I went into my appointment just expecting him to add an oral steroid to my med mix. What really happened was far from expected. I told him about my hands. How they've been hurting really bad and how I'm loosing strength and drop things all the time. I explained how once again my feet are getting worse. I let him know that my memory is getting worse. I can be talking and all of a sudden I'll stop. I'll either forget what I was saying or I'll not even remember I was talking. It's very frustrating for my family. I can walk into a room and forget what I was doing or going to do. I forget how I got from point a to point b.
My doctor asked about headaches. I was a bit annoyed because we had gone over this in the past. I have chronic constant headaches. They get worse to a migraine, then lighten up to livable but I'm never headache free. We talked about my eye sight and how it's getting blurrier. They did an eye exam and I have 20/30 vision. Not bad at all. I just have to concentrate really hard to make out the letters. I explained how my sensitivity to light has gotten worse. How the light hurts my eyes and causes pain as well as rashes and makes me sick to my stomach. I explained that the rashes I was getting just on my face are now getting worse. Not only to I break out in one more often (several times a day) but that its spreading from just my face/ears, to now my chest as well.
After talking he decided it was best to go consult another doctor. He felt we were dealing with more than one medical issue. After consulting the other doctor he came back in the room. He ordered a bunch of blood work and test as well as referals to nurology and rhuematology. He ordered blood work to test vit D, B1, B12, kidney function, infection, cancer and again Lupus. The Lupus test is apparently different from the last two they ran. He ordered an MRI of my neck as well as a CT of my brain. He wants rhuematology to see me because he really feels like I have Lupus. He wants nurology to see me because he feels that I have something wrong in my brain.
What it all boils down to is that both my doctor and the one he consulted feels like I have two more medical issues besides fibromyalgia. They feel I have Lupus as well as a brain tumor. He explained that some symptoms are screaming Lupus (rash, whole body swelling and pain and sensitivity to light and more) and other scream brain tumor (numbness, tingling, loss of strength, constant headaches that even the "miracle" migraine meds don't help, eye sight, memory). He said that it's really the only things that make sense.
After dropping this atomic bomb on me, he said that adding a new med to the mix would not be smart. He feels we need to at least get the blood work back before doing anything. I was devastated. Not only does Lupus keep coming up but now a brain tumor! And cancer?? So to deny being scared would be a waste of time because I am very much scared. I have a family to think about. Two small children that need me to be healthy and at my best to love them and care for them. I can't be down. I just can't. It breaks my heart to even think about this.
I keep getting asked what I want for Christmas. There are only a few things on my list and it's nothing money can buy:
*For Liam to be healthy, strong and happy.
*For Lanie to stay healthy, stay happy and grow up to be a strong, smart, young woman.
*For Justin to know how much I love him, and for his to be rid of his anxiety issues that are holding him back from being the best he can be.
*For me to be healthy and pain free.
Money can't buy happiness. Money can't buy back time lost with your loved ones. I can only sit here and wait, and pray that the best outcome possible happens. That they find out whats wrong with me and fix it. And pray that I have many many many more years with my family. I don't know if it's the increase of my ampitripaline the doc did or not but I feel calm and resolved. Whatever happens is going to happen no matter how hard I fight it. That's why I'm praying. God has given us miracle with Liam's health and I have faith he will do the same for me.
If you could find it in your heart, please keep us in your prayers.
-Aubin
No comments:
Post a Comment