My feet have been so sore lately. Walking is a difficult task but one I must do a lot of. I find myself limping and then agitated that I am doing so. I've actually been getting more sleep the last few days than I have in years, yet the circles under my eyes are growing and getting darker. Sometimes I feel like my body just wants to shut down and I have to fight against that.
My brain has been in a fog. Thinking is a difficult task. Remembering has been worse. Every time I try to talk my brain stops working and I can't remember what I was saying. It's getting worse and noticeable to others. And oh so embarrassing for me.
Today was one of those days my debth perception was off. I can into a wall this afternoon. A few days ago I hit my head at the doctors office just bending down to grab something. It's been interesting, and not in a good way.
Thanks to Timehop, I know that my pain has gone back 5 years. Every year worse than the last. The diagnosis of fibromyalgia still sticks with my doctor. I've tested neg for lupus twice now. Once last year (thank you Timehop).
My problem with this is lupus fits.
Raised rashes
Sensitivity to sunlight
Sunlight causing rash
Swelling throughout my body
The pain can be caused by either. Plus my pain is better on steroids and steroids do not help fibromyalgia but it helps lupus.
I'm just confused and sick of being in pain. I don't care what they label this, I just want the pain to end.
There was a time when I thought I couldn't handle anymore test, that I felt my plate was full. I felt I was at my max taking care of a medically complex child. One who've I prayed for his health everyday and have even begged for me to take his place. I was willing to take the pain and the health problems as long as he was healthy or relatively healthy. Years I asked for this.
Then slowly Liam started getting better, healthier. And I started getting worse. I don't believe that God is vengeful. I believe he is loving and kind and forgiving. The devil however will always kick you when your down. Use your weaknesses to try an shake your faith. I don't believe that just because I prayed for God to give me the pain and Liam to be healthy that he decided I should spend my days riddled in pain. I believe he gave Liam strength and made him healthier though. And I believe the devil decided to try and shake my faith by putting this on my plate.
I don't spend every minute of every day wallowing in self pitty. Honestly I just try not to think about the pain. I find myself silently praying a lot through out each day. Just praying to make it through the day. Praying for strength. At the end of the day I thank God for making it through that day.
This pain hasn't shaken my faith. It's strengthened it. There's a bright light in every dark situation. If you only open your eyes and see it. I thank God that my son is doing better. That my daughter is healthy. That I have a husband who loves me. When it's all said and done, I will take this because it could always be worse.
No comments:
Post a Comment