Close to my Heart

Yesterday and today I've indulged myself in cuddle time with Liam. I enjoyed laying in bed with my son in my arms just watching his eyes slowing drift close as he falls asleep. I drifted off to sleep watching him sleep. It was thereaputic and something I haven't had the chance to do since we first brought him home from UCSF. The only thing missing was having Lanie there with us. Yesterday I was able to take time to lay with her and cuddle while she drifted off into dreamland for a nap. I enjoyed the fact that she needed me to be there with her and just being able to spend some peaceful quiet time with her. I enjoy the time I get with my kids and just wish I had more time to enjoy the little things. I seem to always be tired lately and I don't sleep well at night so I go through my days in a hazy daze. Most times I cant even remember what happened the day before. It's a good thing I have list's for everything. I layed there today, watching Liam sleep in my arms and just couldn't believe that it was all real. That him being here at hime with us was real. I keep expecting to wake up and find myself in the nightmare of NICU at UCSF. There was a day at UCSF when I was up there by myself after I was able to start hold Liam were Sue, one of Liam's primarys, brought in a big chair that the feet popped up and reclined. She had she sit back with Liam in my arms. She brought pillows to put under my arms and behind my head. I think after five minutes of sitting there watching Liam sleep that I fell asleep. I keep thinking thats what Im going to wake up too. I figure if one day that really happens then atleast ive seen the future. That I was able to see my son at home, and even go thorugh a few holidays. It would be something that would carry through the nightmare of NICU. Although I know that will not be the case and all this is real. I am blessed. Ive been able to experience alot with my son that alot of other CDH parents never got. That makes us very blessed. And even though everyday is a struggle in its own, I still choose this life over the alternative.