Struggling

I'm struggling with the trials God has set in front of me. I'm an emotional wreck, barely holding it together most days. Yesterday was one of those days where I had to fight to keep it together. After a full day of struggling emotionaly and two nights of insomnia God decided to lay out another trial. On our way home while on freeway 198 our truck broke down. Justin, me and both kids were in the vehicle. We were in the fast lane, had just gotten onto the freeway and in the fast lane passing demare exit when the transmittion blew. Litterally. It was a loud emplotion. I'm not someone who knows vehicles but I knew instantly it was the transmittion and that the truck was done and we wouldn't make it home. Sure enough, we lost every gear we had. We coasted to the slow lane then into the break down lane and finnaly the truck just stopped and wouldn't move an inch. I was close to loosing it at that point. The stitches were slowly breaking away. Alas there was a miracle. As soon as we pulled over a highway patrol was there with lights on. He pushed us to safety off the freeway. We waited for my brother in law and nephew who came to take us home. We waited for a tow truck, thank God we know someone who has one. We had alot of help from alot of people. It was a miracle. In a way it was like God was trying to tell us that things will get bad but that he'll always be there to watch over us and keep us safe. Atleast that's how I'm viewing the whole ordeal. We did make it home safely. Now the truck is sitting in the shop with a diagnosis of $1400 to fix. Pretty harsh considering the current circumstances. I know God provides and always comes through. In the mean time I get to stress and worry about what we need to do. I'm just struggling with everything. The stress of Liam. Im the only one who knows his meds and med sched as well as his feeding sched. Im the only one that can calm him down and the only one who knows exactly what he likes. He likes to be held a certain way depending on if he wants to play or is tired or hurting. Everyone gets to have all the fun with him. They get to play with him, love on him then hand him back over. I get to administer meds, made his 30cal formula, change shitty diapers, give baths and wipe away his tears. 90% of my time consist of taking care of Liam's "special" needs. On the outside he looks so normal. No one really gets to see the "behind the scenes" stuff. No one, not even Justin sees me up all night administering meds, adding his feed and changing diapers. I am the only one in this house that doesn't get sufficient sleep. Even Liam sleeps through it all. Liam isn't even the only kid I have. I still have my 3 year old to care for....two cats, 2 fish, laundry, dishes and all that jazz. I don't have 5 minutes to myself unless its between the hours of 1am and 6am. The only reason I have that is because I developed insomnia along the way. I kid you not, I can't even go to the bathroom alone! I always have lanie or a cat following me. Relaxing in a warm bath?! HA! Yea right with what time? And if I did try while everyone was alseep Id end up waking Lanie up because its right there by her bedroom. I am so busy taking care of everyone and everything and updating blogs and facebook status's that I don't have time for myself. No naps for me. I'm not complaining in case your asking. This is venting, something I have learned one needs to do to help themselves emotionally. It seems to be good for the soul. How much it helps, i'm not sure. I need a miracle, a bright light at the end of the tunnel, something. Something I can grab ahold to and use as an anchor. Maybe I'm too anchored and should get a balloon to float up to the clouds instead because this whole CDH thing is just way too real. I went to WIC today and had to yet again tell Liam's story to the specialist nutritionist. I know his story needs to be told but I'm getting tired of being the one to tell it. I tear up and am overcome with a dark veil of sadness when I have to tell it. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting with God. There are times when I just want to stare up at the sky and scream and holar at him and berate him. I keep being told that I need to let it all out, that I need to go ahead and throw a 2 year old fit. I can't do it. The most Ive ever been able to let loose were a few tears and then its like a switch gets turned off and I feel utterly emotionless like Im a brick wall. Song come on the radio and as soon as the damn it about to break that switch gets pulled. I walk through every day with a shadow of doubt, fear and uncertantly following me. I feel like a zombie or sleepwalker just waiting to be woken up. The just of it all is I am struggling. I'm struggling with my emotions. I can't passed what Liam has had to go through. I can't get passed watching the events that lead up to the loss another CDH baby or how quickly it can happen. Liam scares me to death. We found out at Valley Childrens that his left lung was stretched out during his repair surgery. The doctor have no idea what to expect with his lung. They have no clue if his lung will just suddenly give out one day. I can't stop fearing that it could happen any minute. I'm not at his bedside with the stethescope listening to his lungs even though I have two of them. I feel that if I did listen to his lungs I would imagine some noise that's not supposed to be there so I leave it to his doctors. I can't handle anything else on my plate right now. I know I shouldn't say that because everytime I do God throws something else at me. The next thing I know we'll get a phone call and the truck will have cought fire or something. I have no idea where to go from here. I am a lost soul, wondering around with no direction. I'm doing everything I can from my end. I don't think its too much to ask God to give me just alittle repreave after everything I've been through. When the sun comes up, it start all over again. A demanding household, phone calls to make, meds, feeds, diapers. I envy those with perfectly healthy babies. Those of you who are reading my blog, if you could only take one thing from it, let it be to not take the "small" things for grantid. Like your healthy child or your "easy" lives. I'm still trying to tell myself my life long motto of "things could be worse" but I find myself starting to loose faith in that. I don't take for grantid having Liam here with us versus the other outcome. I don't regret having him even though I was on birth control and was miserable pregnant. I laugh at that now. I seemed to be so damn miserable while pregnant but it's 500 times better than the way I'm feeling now. I don't know if this blog will ever really help anyone but I pray it does. Even if its in some small way.