Irrationally So

          Sometimes life is downright scary. Frightening. Horrible. I've learned a lot yet not near enough in my lifetime.

I'm scared.

          I have no clue what's going on with me medically and I'm getting worse. This last two weeks vertigo and dizzy spells set in. Last night I started getting shaky at signs on stress. The more stressed out I got during a very important meeting, the more my body shook. Uncontrollable shaking. By the time the meeting was over it was bad and easily spotted by anyone who glanced at me. My friend was sitting across from me and noticed. By the end of the night it looked like I had been sitting in the snow a 20 below for hours on end. 

          I wasn't cold though. I sat there fighting my muscles trying to keep them still. That resulted in being extremely sore today. I thought it was a one time occurrence but this morning I started getting stressed and the shaking started again. It took 2 hours to stop this mornings light episode of shaking. 

          Then a little while ago I got a call from my doctors office and became stressed again (irrationally so) and the shaking began again. She informed me that the neurologist I was supposed to be seeing next week was a neuro-surgeon not a neurologist. This set me off. It was irrational I know but I couldn't help it. My stress level escalated, the shaking began and I started crying. I couldn't help it. I have no idea what's wrong with me and I can't control it.

          My brain processed this info as,

What's wrong with me?

When did thing's go from ok to neuro-surgeon?

Does this mean there's something serious and I need surgery?

I just can't deal with this, why won't it all go away.

          I know that I have to go to these specialist. I have to get better. I can't give up. There's no other options in my book. 

          To think that my doctor diagnosed everything wrong with me as Fibromyalgia is preposterous.