The Picture That Changed Everything

I look at this picture and am flooded with emotions and reactions. This picture was taken 3 years ago today. It was Justin's first time holding Liam and our first family photo. Justin and Lanie had just arrived. They traveled 4 hours from home to come visit Liam and I. I was so happy happy they were there. I was so happy we got to take this picture, a pic I'll always cherish.

But when I look at it I realize how much is reay going on. Yes Justin is thrilled and looks it. However I fought hard for that smile you see. 

I couldn't muster a bigger smile. I didn't have the energy. Truth be told I was beyond tired. I was beyond exhausted. The only bed I had was in a room with 8 other mothers and not all of them respected the rules of being quiet. I hardly slept any. I wouldn't retire to bed until midnight or later and I would be up at 5am to be back at Liam's side. Most nights I would go back to NICU just to watch his peacefulness and forego sleep altogether. 

I was lucky to get 2 or 3 hours a night. Usually only 1 hour. I only ate because I had too and I ate very little. I ate alone. Talking to no one, looking at no one, just starring into space trying to see a future but couldn't get past today. 

I clinged to the weekend visits from Justin and Lanie. Took what happiness and energy I could grasp and used that to get me through the lonely weeks. I slept like a rock cuddles up to justin and Lanie those nights. They were the only time I truely slept. The only time I could take a midday nap because they had a hotel room. I had my reprieve from the loneliness those weekends. 

I had never felt so alone surrounded by so many people. It was all taking a toll on me and I was sure how much longer I would last without breaking down. Just a few days after this pic was taken I received a note from the social worker saying CCS had finally picked us up and I no longer had to stay at the hospital. I cried in joy because this meant Justin and Lanie could come stay until this journey ended. Not two days later I get a call from the Ronald McDonald house that they had an open room for us. Even better. 

This picture was the start of a new beginning. And as exhausted I was I grasped onto that and rode the wave in hopes that we would be together finally and I no longer had to deal with everything without a shoulder to lean on. 

Liam was my strength to carry on. 

Lanie was my rock because I had to stay strong for her. 

Justin was my shoulder to cry on when I needed to let it all out.