Seven

My sweet, silly little boy. To say I miss you would be an understatement. Today you would have turned 7 years old. I'm sure we would have planned a grand party for you. Ninja Turtles, pirates, sharks, who knows what you would have wanted. I bet your speech would have greatly improved. I bet your feeding tube would have been out this year. I'm sure you'd still be making silly faces at me, wanting cuddles and begging for yet another hot wheels.

This will be the third birthday of yours we've celebrated without you. It's harsh. Every year we try to figure out what we'll do to remember and honor you. Every year we are both angry and sad your not here. You'd be going into the 2nd grade if you were here. How crazy is that? We've done so many new things since you've been gone and with each one we thought of you. We'd talk about how much you'd like whatever we were doing and how fun it would be to have you with us. I'd give up all the new experiences just to race hot wheels with you again.

 Until the day come when we can see you again, hold you again, we are trying to make each day here count. Trying to give your sister great memories. Trying to change the world just a little bit before it's our time. We love you so much little lamb. <3 p="">

To learn more about Liam's story click here 

To watch Liam's memorial video click here

To check out our CDH awareness page, click the Shooting for Liam tab at the top.

To check out our child loss awareness and nonprofit page click the Sent from Heaven tab at the top.

Grief Journal: The Only One

23) What do you do when you feel like you're the only one grieving?

More often than not, I feel like I am the only one grieving the loss of my son Liam. I also know for a fact that I am the ONLY one grieving the loss of the twins my first pregnancy. A lot of people just sweep the fact that you miscarried under the rug like it's something you should be ashamed of. Something your not allowed to talk about. A lot of people believe that it wasn't even a life when you miscarry in the early stages. I think about my twins all the time like I think of Liam. What would they look like?, how hard would it have been to care for two babies at the same time and so on.

For my 3 babies in heaven (Liam and the twins), I have this handle holder thats 3 kids holding hands as if to be playing ring around the rosie, around a candle. I've imagined the 3 of them in heaven doing so so many times. For Liam I have his urn, shelf set up and a candle with his picture on it.

But when I feel alone in my grief, I keep to myself. I write in a journal or blog. I look through his pictures and videos. I cry a lot. I even buy little things when I find them that remind me of him for his shelf.

There's no exact science to what I do when I feel alone. I've also been known to reach out to those that loved him just to try to not feel alone. And when all else fails, I do something for myself. I buy a new Rae Dunn piece, or letter board. I treat myself to something sugary even though it'll make me sick. I color and draw. And my favorite is cuddling with my cat.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Common Quotes

22) Pick a common well-meaning quote someone has said to you. Do you believe that it's true? Why or why not?

"At least you can have another child"

JUST NO! There is so much wrong with this saying. Yea the person saying means well. They're not out to crush  your heart (at least I hope not) but it still does. For me I actually can't have anymore children. I had my tubes tied when I had Liam and suffered a uterine rupture while pregnant with him. To get pregnant again it would be high risk to that baby and to me. Also what are you thinking when you say this? Surely your not thinking having another baby would replace the child I lost right? Because that's impossible. Even if I had another baby, Liam would still be gone and I'd still miss him and my heart would still be missing a piece. There is NO getting over the loss of your child. There is only learning to live each day without them until you see them again in Heaven.

I know from first hand experience that having another child after losing one does not take the place of the one you lost. My first pregnancy I was pregnant with twins. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I miscarried one of them one night after a long walk. I immediately got in to see a doctor to find that I was still pregnant with the remaining baby. They said it happens. I cried my eyes out. Yes I was finally  going to get to be a mom, but one of my babies would always be gone. 3 weeks later I miscarried the second twin. There was no reason for it, it just happened. 2 months later I became pregnant with my daughter Lanie and delivered a happy healthy baby girl. Shes 10 1/2 now. The twins would be 11 years old now. 12 in November/December.

Lanie has been such a great kid. I miss those late night bottle feeds as I rocked her and sung her back to sleep but she never took the place of the babies I lost because she was her own self. As a mom who has lost children, I always think of them. Holidays and special occasions are the worst because I know I should be wrangling up 4 kiddos and not just the 1. I am a mom of four. No other child can take the place of the ones I lost.

Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.