Grief is like the raging, angry waves of the ocean.
During the worst of storms the waves can reach 100 feet high during a tsunami.
When they reach land those waves can cause absolute destruction up to 1,700 feet up slope.
It destroys and it kills.
Grief is no different.
It grabs you and it pulls you under threatening to drown you.
Then it lets you up for air only to pull you under again.
The waves that reach the shore are the damage is does to those around you.
Grief changes everything.
Or really the loss that caused the grief changes everything.
You no longer are you in the eyes of others.
Those that you've known forever start to look at you differently.
Many pull away and one day stop talking to you all together.
The reason is always the same.
They say it's too hard for them to see you,
to watch you go through the loss and the grief.
It hurts them too much.
Every now and then there is a few trees that survive the storm.
A few friends willing to stick around.
Then there are the old scarred trees that you never noticed were there before.
Those are the new friends who've been through this storm before.
They offer strength and wisdom and comfort while the storm rages.
12-15-15 Me holding Liam for the last time shortly after he passed.
The rain came when Liam was born.
If you know me you know I love rain.
The sound, the smell, even the dark clouds.
It rained off and on for nearly 4 1/2 years.
Then he passed away and the tsunami hit.
It grew and grew until I thought it would take us all out.
It's been a storm for the last 19 months.
The length of time since Liam's been gone.
There are no words to accurately describe the heart ache and pain of losing a child.
My child.
The pain is so intense I thought my heart would stop.
Grief causes your heart muscle to weaken.
It increases your chance of a heart attack.
It also causes your blood to become "stickier".
I was having anxiety attacks before Liam passed away that caused my heart to skip beats and to beat a few beats super fast and hard.
It was painful.
This started about 7 months before he passed away.
After he passed these episodes became frequent,
happening daily and sometimes multiple times a day.
I was waiting for my heart to stop.
I still don't know how it didn't.
19 months later and my heart still holds a constant ache.
Like a tree that's been through the tsunami and struck by lightening many times,
I'm damaged.
But like the old Sequoia trees in the National forest,
I'm still standing.
There is no timeline for healing.
No guide book to tell you what to do and how long it will take.
I hurt constantly but I am also healing.
One I'll wake up and realize that the healing is done and wonder when it happened.
The scars will always be there.
They'll always hurt but they'll make us stronger.
When you endure a severe injury your body will try to heal it any way it can.
The more severe the injury the more scar tissue it creates.
The scar tissue is meant to be stronger than the skin that was previously there.
It's your bodies way of trying to prevent the injury from happening again.
Personally my scars have never bothered me like they do some people.
The difference with these scars are that they are on my heart.
They are on my emotions and my soul.
You can never go back to the person you were before.
That person will never exist again.
That time to be that person is over.
The storm still rages for me.
The waters still drag me under until I have no air left in my lungs.
Then it lets me go before pulling me under again.
Even though the clouds are pitch black,
the sun still shines through every now and then.
For 18 months I didn't see the sun.
It didn't matter how brightly it shown,
I didn't see it.
I was too far under water to see.
Then one day things just changed.
The sun broke through and I laughed.
Not a fake laugh I've been using to hide behind,
but a real one.
That was just the beginning.
It started with my husband trying to get me active and off the couch because the doctors keep saying that's what I needed.
Then we went on a anniversary trip to the beach.
A few times the sun shone through the darkness and I laughed.
It wasn't enough to cause a break in the storm though.
One day about a month ago he drug me up to the lake.
Said I needed to get out.
Mind you I find the lake very boring and it only aggravates my allergies so why would I want to go.
This day I gave in.
I don't know why because I never go.
About 2 hours into watching him fish and I couldn't take it anymore.
He could see it so he tried one last thing to keep us from leaving.
That's the day I tried kayaking for the first time.
That day things started changing.
The sun started shining through and I started feeling something I hadn't felt in a long time...
Happiness.
Since then there have been moments.
Even some caught on camera and frozen forever.
How I've survived this long I can't begin to tell you.
I know I counted 1-10 a lot.
I focused on 10 seconds at a time.
Told myself that if I did good and tried another 10 seconds.
I still have days or moments when I survive 10 seconds at a time.
I put one foot in front of the other with no destination other than going through the motions to survive.
But then there are days or moments when my soul feel freer,
my heart feels lighter.
Me laughing at Chilli's after being made fun of for turning bright red after being sung Happy Birthday to by staff.
About a month after Liam passed I posted the following picture along with these words:
When Liam was born, I forgot who I was. Who I was and what I wanted didn't matter any more. All that mattered was what Liam needed to be healthy and happy. When Liam passed I lost part of myself again. Right now it feels like all of myself. My heart will never be whole again because part of it is in Heaven with Liam forever. But is not just a broken heart. It feels like a shattered soul. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be better. I gave Liam my best. I keep moving forward because I don't know any other way. My entire life since the day I was born has been about surviving. I don't know how to not survive so I just keep moving. I keep moving yet in stuck. Like I'm on a treadmill. I just have to wait. And keep surviving.
Flash forward to now and I'm still confused.
I'm confused and I hurt but I haven't given up and have no plans too,
but maybe,
just maybe,
I will find my footing and my purpose again.
