My sweet girl is battling night terrors again tonight. Here she is holding onto her glow pillow, with her twinkle lights on and her TV. Tonight is bad. I gave her melatonin 30 minutes ago and she's still awake. I just used lavender and chamomile essential oil on her in hopes to relax and calm her. She's been battling nightmares and night terrors for weeks now, ever since school ended and they seem to be getting worse the closer to Liams birthday we get.
I started seeing the pattern last year as Liam's birthday drew near. Same thing. As well as the year before. She just can't help it and I don't think she even realizes what's going on but it's the same thing every year. Last year it was just speculation but this year proves it. Lanie has an issue with Liam's birthday.
It's not celebrating his birthday she has a problem with. It's the actual day of his birth. The day he was born was the day I was ripped away from her for a month. Then continuously ripped away from her the next few years.
When I use the term "CDH hurts everyone" I truly mean it. We all have our scars that we will carry for the rest of our lives. I truly believe that Lanie ended up with PTSD as well as her dad and I did. He won't ever admit he has it but the NICU nurse said he had all the signs and so did I. I went and got officially diagnosed after Liam's discharge from NICU. It's been a hard road working through this as an adult, I can't imagine how hard it's been on Lanie to work through something so complex she doesn't even understand.
I try to help her. I can't always just bring up the subject of NICU or the pain she felt each time I had to leave her. I have to wait until she's ready to talk about it. We've had our talks when she's open and receptive. I do whatever I can to help her through it all but it's not a quick fix.
This is another reminder of the failure I feel that I am. When Liam was born and rushed away all I could think about was getting to his side, afraid he would pass before I got to hold him and tell him how much I loved him and to fight hard. I quickly hugged and kissed her goodbye without explaining anything, without realizing how this would affect her. But we had nowhere to stay and I would be sleeping in a waiting room chair as it was so I could bring her.
The one thing I never wanted to do was abandoned my children. I swore up and down before I became a mother that I would never do what my mother did. And now one of my biggest fears is that she feels like I abandoned her. I afraid to bring it up. I'm afraid to ask her. I spend my days trying hard to make up for the time I missed out on with her.
And now here's Liam getting ready to turn 4 years old. He shorter and smaller than Lanie was at 3 1/2 when he was born and I had to leave but he's got the same bright bubbly spirit she had and it only serves to remind me of how much I missed out on. How much she missed out on. How many cuddles we missed. How many laughs we missed. I can't ever get that back. We can't ever get this back.
I hate what CDH has done to all of us. How it's tested our family and nearly brought us to our end. How it's kept me so stressed and tired through the years that now my body is so tired and worn how I'm sick with constant pain and headaches. Diagnosed with fibromyalgia and I can't get rid of it. I hate CDH!!
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