Friday I go have an MRI of my brain done. They're checking for abnormalities, growths, anything that can help explain what's going on. I'm claustrophobic so in very nervous and scared for this test because I will be out into a machine that's dark, cold and reminds me of a coffin.
It's making me face one of my fears straight on... To wake up and find myself buried alive in a coffen.
I've been inside an MRI machine before (for my back) and they had to take me out before the test even started because I freaked out. My heart was racing, uncontrollable crying and shaking. It was illogical I know, but I couldn't control that feeling. And the loss of control make it that much worse on me.
I have no choice but to go trough this test. I will be in the machine for an hour. In two week I will be returning to my neaurilogist for the results as well as an EMS test. It means they're going to stick needles in my arms and legs and to test nerve function. I know for a fact I have some but how bad I'm not sure. Every day I am figuring out that it's worse than I thought.
I've already had my blood work done to check for heavy metal poisoning. Pretty scary thought to think that's a possibility as well.
What I'm most scared of is that they won't find anything and won't be able to help me. This means I will have to continue to suffer. Constant pain. Headaches that never fully go away. Chronic fatigue. Loss of memory. I won't ever be able to go back to work because it's so hard on my body. I have days I can't hardly walk or stand at all. Days where I don't have the energy to talk or can't talk. Even insomnia filled nights.
As far as my Fibromyalgia goes, I'm out of RX options. Either the meds don't work, they make the pain worse or make me violently ill. To my knowledge there are no other RX meds to treat Fibro that what I've already tried. So now in treating myself with essential oils.
I was a skeptic. I didn't believe that EO's could help anything. I've known about them for years but laughed it off. But recently felt, after the last med change that made me violently ill, that EO's were my last resort. I couldn't say I tried everything if I didn't really try everything.
So, feeling depressed and desperate for some help, I ordered my free kit from Simply Aroma. No I'm not trying to sell you anything. Just sharing what's going on right now.
First thing I did after ordering my kit, was to order roller bottles. These are essential for what I needed the kit for to begin with. Once everything came in, I mixed up a headache remedy of Lavender, peppermint with fractioned coconut oil in a roller bottle for easy application. I roll it on my temples, forehead, base of the head, where ever the pain it hitting.
I didn't expect any miracles. The "miracle headache" med (deemed so by my doc) had failed to do anything so I wasn't expecting this blend of EO's to help at all.
Luckily, I got a small miracle. The blend eased my headache back down to something tollerable. No it didn't go away completely, but the headache was tollerable, it was almost none exsistant. The pain had lessened so much that I kept having those "wait a minute something's wrong. I'm not feeling pain" moments. When I stopped to concentrate I could still feel a small headache but it was finally something that could be pushed to the back of my mind.
It wasn't a miracle cure but it helped. I had a good two weeks where I slept better and had more energy. But now I'm in the midst of a Fibro flair and I'm not sure there's much that can help those of that's even what's really going on.
When a doctor diagnosis you with Fibromyalgia, it's because they can't find out what's causing your pain. Therefor anything they can't figure out gets the label. I'm not happy with the diagnosis. After all if I really had it, wouldn't one of the Fibro meds helped?!
I'm having more symptoms of MS. Granted, I still have symptoms of lupus but with 2 positive and 3 negative ANA's they say that meds no Lupus.
If they don't find leisons on my brain then they say it's not MS. If it's not MS then there's no reason they can find as to why I have constant headaches, loss of muscle control in my hands and legs, memory loss, black outs and so on. My neighbor thinks I'm having seizures. The kind there I'm still functioning but can't remember spaces of time. Like how I got from one room to another. Or from point A to point B.
I feel like I'm slowly dieing. Not like, eventually I'll die because everybody does but the actual, my body is shutting down and dieing. One day I just might not wake up kind of dieing.
This is a scary life to live. I want so many things, simple things. No pain. Tea parties with my daughter. Racing cars with my son. Finger painting in the sun on a nice day. A day without mood swings that are uncontrollable. I want to have the energy to make things like I used too. To go out with my camera and just take pictures and be inspired. I want to be able to clean my house without it costing me days down on the couch.
I keep praying that one day I'll wake up and all the pain will be gone. That I'll be healthy once again. Happy again. Able to loose weight. I keep telling myself that one day it'll happen. This isn't in my head. If it was, all the wishing and praying would have made it go away by now. If it was in my head I'd be instantly fine whenever I wanted to be and down when I didn't. The only reason I'm depressed is the pain. If there was no pain I would be my normal happy self. So when the doctor asks me if I'm depressed, I laugh at him and ask if he would be if he had constant pain. I'm logical enough to realize this and that helps me get through the bad.
And even though I'm riddled in pain, and most likely will only continue to get worse until (if) they figure out the cause, I'm trying to stay positive. Trying to remember that there has to be an end to all this without there being an ends to life itself. I tell myself I'll get better.
I may not know what's going on, but I know I have to keep my faith that God will help the doctors help me. There is a reason for everything and I have to trust that even though I don't understand now that it'll all work out.
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