I sit here and ponder where my life went. Where it's going. I can honestly say that I don't know.
There is no grand scheme, or plan. I have no foresight into the future. Not even an idea of where I want to be.
What I do know is that life is hard. It's always been hard for me but continues to get harder with each passing year.
When I was younger I had big dreams. I wanted to be an actress, singer, doctor, designer, balerina, princess, vet and more.
When those dreams started getting more realistic, I wanted to be a interior designer, writer, doctor, vet, poet, photographer, accountant.
The one thing that never changed was the fact that I wanted to be a wife and a mother. I knew I would love my husband (whoever he ended up being) and I would love my kids (unconditionally no matter what). I just didn't know that one day I would loose myself and only ever by a wife and a mother.
As it stands today, I have no idea who I am besides a wife and mother and someone who suffers from fibromyalgia and who knows what else at this point.
When I married my husband, I felt like a new door was opening and life would just miraculously improve. I didn't realize that the "in sickness and in health" or "for richer or for poorer" would actually come to play.
We've had many years of poorer and many years of sicker. I wish I could say that after almost 10 years of marriage that things we're getting better but some might not think so.
You can't compare one life to another. Financially things are slowly getting better. I never wanted to be rich. I'm happy with the bills being paid and the kids getting what they need and a few extras here and there.
Heath is a sticky subject. Liam, my Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia survivor with chronic lung disease, feeding tube and so on, is getting better with each passing year. However I am getting worse. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic headaches/migraines. I'm also in the midst of testing to find out what else is wrong with me.
My health issues have caused tension and fights between my husband and I. Fibromyalgia is an invisiable disease that no one believes in. If you could see FM, it would look like my entre body was bruised, purple and blue.
Because of Chronic fatigue and headaches, I have no energy. I find it hard to do daily tasks like cleaning the house. Simple tasks like getting out of bed and getting dressed drains me. I don't get done what needs to be done on a daily basis and this causes us to argue and fight creating more stress on me.
In return, on the days I have more energy, I overdue it trying to catch up on what didn't get done in the previous days. Overdueing it causes flare ups where I'm stuck in bed or on the couch hardly able to move.
In all this I am forgotten who I am.
I use to carry about my camera wherever I went. Every moment was a photo opportunity. Now I can find the energy or the passion to go near my camera.
I love to read. You'd think that was something I could actually do in the midst of all this when I'm stuck in bed but honestly, lately I've been too exhausted to read. When I do read, I can't remember what I read thanks t brain fog.
I use to be so crafty, always creating something. These days I don't knock out very many projects. New items don't get added to my online store because I can't knock any new projects out. What I create takes a lot of energy, time and pain.
Everything that seemed to make me happy is something that I can't do anymore. Everything I thought was "me" I lost.
I spend all my energy taking care of my family, being PTA secretary for my daughters school and whatever energy I have left I spend spreading CDH awareness.
So who am I?
Friends on facebook tell me I'm strong because of all I've been through with my son, taking care of him. I get called a life saver because I always have extra medical equipment and breathing treatment's and help others in a bind. I help others because I know what it's like to need the help and not ever get it. I know what it's like to have to rush my son to the hospital because his asthma and chronic lung disease or a million other reasons, when the trip could have been avoided if I had what I needed.
But when it comes down to it, I don't know who I am.
I don't know where life is going to take me.
Most the time I don't even know what I want. I usually forgo whatever I want to buy my kids things and lately I've been faced with having to actually buy something for myself. I went out several times to buy myself a new easter dress. Nothing fancy, just something to wear often because it's getting hotter and harder for me to wear constricting clothes. Each time I've gone out, and had a dress in hand, I put it back. When I go to buy one, I think of the shoes I shoulf get to go with it, then my feet start hurting. Then I start worrying that the dress won't be loose and comfortable and instead be restricting and cause pain. That's when the dress goes back.
I know I don't want to live in California anymore. That the elevation in Colorado was better on my body, easing my pain to almost none. I'm practically begging my husband to move. I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with being here knowing that I feel better living somewhere else. I aso know that leaving the family we have here in California will be killer. And not killer in a good way.
I also know that I still love my kids and my husband. And that I need to find myself again.
My husband asked me what makes me happy and he didn't mean him or the kids. I honestly had no idea what to tell him. I cried when I couldn't answer. When my first instinct was to say "being pain free" I wanted to cry even more.
So my number one advice to all moms is to not loose yourself. Yes your a mom, but that's not who you are. You can still make time for yourself, do the things you love and raise a family.
There is no grand scheme, or plan. I have no foresight into the future. Not even an idea of where I want to be.
What I do know is that life is hard. It's always been hard for me but continues to get harder with each passing year.
When I was younger I had big dreams. I wanted to be an actress, singer, doctor, designer, balerina, princess, vet and more.
When those dreams started getting more realistic, I wanted to be a interior designer, writer, doctor, vet, poet, photographer, accountant.
The one thing that never changed was the fact that I wanted to be a wife and a mother. I knew I would love my husband (whoever he ended up being) and I would love my kids (unconditionally no matter what). I just didn't know that one day I would loose myself and only ever by a wife and a mother.
As it stands today, I have no idea who I am besides a wife and mother and someone who suffers from fibromyalgia and who knows what else at this point.
When I married my husband, I felt like a new door was opening and life would just miraculously improve. I didn't realize that the "in sickness and in health" or "for richer or for poorer" would actually come to play.
We've had many years of poorer and many years of sicker. I wish I could say that after almost 10 years of marriage that things we're getting better but some might not think so.
You can't compare one life to another. Financially things are slowly getting better. I never wanted to be rich. I'm happy with the bills being paid and the kids getting what they need and a few extras here and there.
Heath is a sticky subject. Liam, my Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia survivor with chronic lung disease, feeding tube and so on, is getting better with each passing year. However I am getting worse. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic headaches/migraines. I'm also in the midst of testing to find out what else is wrong with me.
My health issues have caused tension and fights between my husband and I. Fibromyalgia is an invisiable disease that no one believes in. If you could see FM, it would look like my entre body was bruised, purple and blue.
Because of Chronic fatigue and headaches, I have no energy. I find it hard to do daily tasks like cleaning the house. Simple tasks like getting out of bed and getting dressed drains me. I don't get done what needs to be done on a daily basis and this causes us to argue and fight creating more stress on me.
In return, on the days I have more energy, I overdue it trying to catch up on what didn't get done in the previous days. Overdueing it causes flare ups where I'm stuck in bed or on the couch hardly able to move.
In all this I am forgotten who I am.
I use to carry about my camera wherever I went. Every moment was a photo opportunity. Now I can find the energy or the passion to go near my camera.
I love to read. You'd think that was something I could actually do in the midst of all this when I'm stuck in bed but honestly, lately I've been too exhausted to read. When I do read, I can't remember what I read thanks t brain fog.
I use to be so crafty, always creating something. These days I don't knock out very many projects. New items don't get added to my online store because I can't knock any new projects out. What I create takes a lot of energy, time and pain.
Everything that seemed to make me happy is something that I can't do anymore. Everything I thought was "me" I lost.
I spend all my energy taking care of my family, being PTA secretary for my daughters school and whatever energy I have left I spend spreading CDH awareness.
So who am I?
Friends on facebook tell me I'm strong because of all I've been through with my son, taking care of him. I get called a life saver because I always have extra medical equipment and breathing treatment's and help others in a bind. I help others because I know what it's like to need the help and not ever get it. I know what it's like to have to rush my son to the hospital because his asthma and chronic lung disease or a million other reasons, when the trip could have been avoided if I had what I needed.
But when it comes down to it, I don't know who I am.
I don't know where life is going to take me.
Most the time I don't even know what I want. I usually forgo whatever I want to buy my kids things and lately I've been faced with having to actually buy something for myself. I went out several times to buy myself a new easter dress. Nothing fancy, just something to wear often because it's getting hotter and harder for me to wear constricting clothes. Each time I've gone out, and had a dress in hand, I put it back. When I go to buy one, I think of the shoes I shoulf get to go with it, then my feet start hurting. Then I start worrying that the dress won't be loose and comfortable and instead be restricting and cause pain. That's when the dress goes back.
I know I don't want to live in California anymore. That the elevation in Colorado was better on my body, easing my pain to almost none. I'm practically begging my husband to move. I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with being here knowing that I feel better living somewhere else. I aso know that leaving the family we have here in California will be killer. And not killer in a good way.
I also know that I still love my kids and my husband. And that I need to find myself again.
My husband asked me what makes me happy and he didn't mean him or the kids. I honestly had no idea what to tell him. I cried when I couldn't answer. When my first instinct was to say "being pain free" I wanted to cry even more.
So my number one advice to all moms is to not loose yourself. Yes your a mom, but that's not who you are. You can still make time for yourself, do the things you love and raise a family.
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