A Royal Flush

The girl/woman in this picture seems so happy. She seems so carefree. Sure there's circles under her eyes from lack of sleep but she's happy. She's got it all figured out and her life is getting better after years of hell. 

Little did she know within a few short weeks of this pic being taken that her life would get worse again. That her health would decline and people would start thinking she was a hypochondriac and a liar. 

The happy girl is/was me. Happy days aren't as often. I don't know if the worst part is the chronic pain or he fact that no one believes me. Even with a medical diagnosis no one believes. 

"It's all in your head"

"Your making it up"

"Are you addicted to pain meds?"

No it's not all in my head but more like all in the nerves. The nerves in my body are over active causing my brain to register it as pain. 

I'm not making it up, although I wish I was because then I could shut it off. It's hurtful to be riddled in pain and have someone not believe you. It's the reason I've been in pain for years without doing anything about it. The support system I need just isn't there. Which is all fine and dandy because when I am in pain I'd rather be left alone. 

When I go into urgent care, emergency room or to see a new doctor I feel like they think I'm just seeking meds. In reality I'd rather not have to take them. They're harsh on the body and make me sick to my stomach. I hate how they make me feel foggy. My last doctor was great and listened to me. I explained to him any meds I had to be on could not interfere with me being able to wake up through out the night and couldn't make me so drowsy I'd pass out. 

At first I said no pain meds. I stuck with over the counter ibproffen. When that didn't help we did prescription strength ibproffen. After we tried Vicodin. Finally we settled on tramadol because it's non narcotic. He wrote the script for twice daily (every 12hrs) but 90% of the time I only take it at night. 

I'm sharing this because well I need to get it out somewhere. I HATE meds. I HATE taking them. Unfortunately they are just another aspect of fibermyalgia. 

There's nothing I can do to make people believe. I don't have the strength it would take to even attempt to make them see and what's the point anyway? I know what's wrong with me. The doctors know. Does it really matter if anyone else does? The way I see it I can either use the energy to unsuccessfully make other see or I can use the energy to get out of bed and attempt to enjoy my children even when in pain. I think the ladder option is my choice. 

For now I'll do what I've always done. Suffer in silence and blog about it. Someone out there will one day read this, someone whose going through the same thing, and will reach out to me. That's how support systems are built, by putting yourself out there to be heard (or read as it may be). 

Until the pain ends for good I will sit here and pray for God to deal me a better hand in this poker game of life. 

In a game of cards a royal flush is what you want to win. But in life it's the complete opposite.