01/02/2012

I remember the day I found this hat at the grocery store. I just had to buy two. This Dalmatian and a brown bear. It was really big on Liam's tiny head but so cute. I laughed so hard when I put it on him and he pulled it off. I had to put it on 5 times before he finally looked at me like this picture. I laughed even harder. He always had lots of charisma and attitude ❤️❤️❤️ #cdhawareness

New Year Without You

The new year is here and I don't know what to do without you. 

I had to be stronger than I ever thought possible to be at your side these last 4 years 5 months 1 day and now that strength has nothing on what is required now to go on without you. I keep going through the motions thinking one day it'll mean something. Right now it doesn't. 

I miss you. I can't stop missing you. I can't stop loving you. I will never stop. 

I can't stop bottling it in. It hurts so much to feel the pain that my brain is trying to protect itself and my heart.

We watched the Rose parade this morning. When the Disney float came on and preformed I broke out crying. I couldn't stop thinking about how much you'd have loved and and been screaming excitedly at the tv. Then everything else you'd be missing out on flooded me and I couldn't stop the tears. I changed it shortly after. 

Home care came and picked up your concentrator and oxygen tanks. Even though I was glad to see it go, it was hard 

I took back a lot of your Christmas presents the other day and exchanged them for a fire/water proof safe and a portable hard drive to store all your pictures and videos. I kept a big box full of presents to donate to Children's hospital in your honor. I haven't decided if I'm going to do it for your birthday in July or CDH awareness week. I'll be adding lots more to it before then though. Blankets, pjs, stuffed animals and toys. 

I feel horrible that you didn't get your big birthday party this last year. 

I wish you had gotten to do more. I wish you could have stayed here with us longer. I know it's selfish and I'm trying so hard not to be. I keep reminding myself that for the first time ever, your not sick. You can run around without coughing. I bet your really fast now. You no longer need a feeding tube and I bet there's endless supplies of Doritos, pizza, spaghetti, sausage and beef jerky just for you. And even though I always thought you were perfect, your truly perfect now. 

What I'd give to hold you right now. 

I don't know who I am anymore sweet boy. When you came along, everything was all about you 24-7. I always did things for Lanie too but it was always around your medical needs. These last 4 years 5 months 1 day wasn't fair to anyone. 

I thought we had beat the odds little lamb, but I was wrong. I thought you had a whole long life ahead of you, but it wasn't to be. You flew through NICU and shocked everyone. We weren't supposed to even have these last 4 years 5 months 1 day with you. I'm greatful for them though, even if they were hard all the time and we had to evolve and adapt with them. 

I'm glad your no longer in pain, and I thank God for that. But I can't grasp why you couldn't be healthy here with us. I'm not meant to understand. Only to place it in Gods hands. Please know, baby boy, that when I finally get to heaven, I'm going to hold you close and probably never let you go ❤️💔❤️

Coming Home

Dear Little Lamb,

Yesterday we brought your ashes home. It was so hard. I cried and cried. Although it's hard not having you running around laughing, it feels good (or just better) to have you safely home and done with that leg of this terrible journey. 

It's still so hard to be home where your not anymore. I look at your bed every morning hoping to see you asleep and that this has all been such a huge nightmare. But every morning it's empty. No little voice saying "morning mom. I have school today?" 

I didn't realize before you went to heaven, how much time I really spent caring for you. How much time I spent holding you. I haven't had this much time on my hands since before you were born. I haven't sat here for so long since before you were born. 

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm in such a fog. One minute I think I'm ok and the next, I'm crying and feeling so absolutely broken. 

I'm trying to hold it together sweet boy. I'm trying to stay strong for you and for Lanie and your daddy like I always do. I don't know any other way. I just bottle it all up and I can't seem to stop that from happening. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and trust in God. I think about how strong and brave you are and I'm trying to do the same. I'm just so confused. 

Wanting you and needing you isn't getting any better. I cuddle with your stuffed animals because they still smell like you. I can't stop thinking about you. 

(1 year ago today)