Yesterday we brought your ashes home. It was so hard. I cried and cried. Although it's hard not having you running around laughing, it feels good (or just better) to have you safely home and done with that leg of this terrible journey.
It's still so hard to be home where your not anymore. I look at your bed every morning hoping to see you asleep and that this has all been such a huge nightmare. But every morning it's empty. No little voice saying "morning mom. I have school today?"
I didn't realize before you went to heaven, how much time I really spent caring for you. How much time I spent holding you. I haven't had this much time on my hands since before you were born. I haven't sat here for so long since before you were born.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm in such a fog. One minute I think I'm ok and the next, I'm crying and feeling so absolutely broken.
I'm trying to hold it together sweet boy. I'm trying to stay strong for you and for Lanie and your daddy like I always do. I don't know any other way. I just bottle it all up and I can't seem to stop that from happening. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and trust in God. I think about how strong and brave you are and I'm trying to do the same. I'm just so confused.
Wanting you and needing you isn't getting any better. I cuddle with your stuffed animals because they still smell like you. I can't stop thinking about you.
(1 year ago today)
Brought tears to my eyes! I'm so sorry your having to live this nightmare! He was such a precious boy. Hugs!
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