Warning: this post is heart wrenching packed with raw emotions and the very last pictures of my sweet boy.
(Taken in urgent care before being transported to the hospital)
Dear World,
I have a son in Heaven.
His name is Liam and he was 4 years, 5 months and 1 day old.
I watched him die.
The doctors did all they could but it wasn't enough.
I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I'm lost and broken.
There's no good days.
Only horrible 'I can't get out of bed' days.
And zombie days where everything's a haze.
Liam is real.
The pain of loosing him is real.
I can't just get up and walk away from that.
I love Liam with every fiber of my being.
And now every fiber of my being hurts from the loss.
(Taken in urgent care after he turned blue and they called an ambulance)
I remember thinking "it's over".
Liam's pain is over.
Liam's struggles are over.
Liam's life on earth is over.
The fight with medical problems is over.
And for a split second there was relief.
From what exactly I'm not sure.
But I have felt guilt ever since that split second of relief.
Guilt there ever was relief.
Guilt that I couldn't do more to save him.
The heartbreak is so intense I can feel myself drowning.
I had watched Liam bang on deaths door many many times and yet survive.
I hoped he'd survive this.
I prayed and begged God to heal my baby boy, to help him.
He did.
He took him home to Heaven.
So there's guilt I didn't pray for God to let me keep him.
I thought I was but I wasn't I guess.
Liam looked at me and said "mommy I tired. I sleep".
(Goodbye kiss)
I wish I had realized he was telling me he couldn't fight anymore.
Instead I looked at him and told him to sleep.
That everything would be ok that this would be over soon.
I didn't know.
I had no idea what was to come.
I thought for sure he'd be ok.
KDH would stabilize him and transfer him to Children's where they knew him.
The moment he seized and his heart stopped, he was gone.
I believe it with all my heart.
They got a faint heart beat back but Liam was gone.
And instead of dying peacefully in my arms,
He was surrounded by strangers,
Paddling him and doing CPR and poking him.
That's my biggest regret.
Not being able to hold Liam and tell him how much I loved him as he passed.
(Last cuddles)
