What do you pack when you go on a trip far far away from home? One where to hop on an airplane. What should you consider when packing. Do you take many different outfits all with their own accessories that you can't mix and match OR do you pack color coordinating outfits that you can mix? For all intents and purposes lets just say I've never flown before because well NOT being able to remember anything about flying I might as well have never flown.
I've notorious for over packing. I will pack enough clothes for a week when only going away for 2 days. My theory has always been "better safe than sorry" and "you never know what to expect so prepare for the unthinkable". Plus when packing for two kids you always need lots of extras because it never fails that they will always get dirty. But this trip I'm only packing for myself. Just me. *Sigh* By myself. My trip will be 5 days long. I will leave on the 1st day and come back on the 5th. So technically I'll only be away from my kids and husband for 3 days.
They can handle everything alone for 3 days right? Oh I hope so. I keep asking myself if I'm being selfish going on this trip. I sit here afraid to be gone that long because I have NEVER been away from my kids longer than over night. I hardly ever do anything for myself. Everyone else always comes first. This isn't just some random trip or vacation away from home. This trip is to reunite with my family that I haven't seen for 20 years. A family that I was ripped away from and didn't reconnect with until last November. My family that I had spent so much time trying to find.
I wish I could bring everyone with me this time around but its just not possible. Both kids are starting school next week. Liam really doesn't need to be on a plane confined in that small area with people who are carriers of who knows what. I keep promising myself that I will go back again and take the whole fam. Somehow.
In other news, I got a letter in the mail yesterday. I didn't get the county job I wanted. I knew the minute I saw the mail carrier putting the letter in the mailbox. My heart had clutched tight. When I saw the stamp on the envelope my heart dropped. A letter was the last thing I wanted. Nope instead I wanted the phone call. But I never got a phone call, instead I got a letter. A letter full of polite words that felt like daggers to the heart. Polite words that were just a placate. I saw right through it.
Sure the letter said they'd keep my name on file in case they needed to hire more people. But I know that generally means your name will never be selected. I do feel like there was a bit of discrimination there but proving it and fighting over it wont get me anywhere. All my life I've had to fight harder. Getting jobs has been difficult. I'm only 4'9" and look younger than I am. No one wants to hire someone that looks young and short and no one respects people who are short and look young. Then there's the fact that I'm the wrong ethnicity in this county. Like I said even with proof it's still hard to fight. And whats the point of fighting. I won't get a job out of it and it'll just put a sign on my back for other employers to not hire me.
It is what it is. Sure I had things planned around getting the job. I had dreams of what this job could do for my family. Now it's time to come up with new plans. Isn't that half the fun away? Maybe I will get called for a job later on down the road. I don't know but I can't count on it. I feel like this is a lesson to stop dreaming and stop planning and just plain stop trying to get ahead in a life where you'll always sink. Cant float with anchors tied to your feet.
It's sad and a but depressing but life goes on and so will I. 'Everything happens for a reason'. 'Theres something better for you out there'. Said by people who don't understand what it's like to be a short and young looking woman in this world of tall people. Is that what I am to teach my daughter? That tall and beautiful will get you further in life than short and young looking will? Because that's the lesson that this messed up world has taught me. Brains don't matter in a world where beautiful and selfies rule. Screw it! Screw the world for thinking that. Why should how you look be more important that your knowledge?
I refuse to teach that to my daughter. She will learn to work hard no matter how pretty or how tall she is. She will have high standards and dream. She will learn that the world owes her nothing and she must fight for what she wants. She will not become part of the epidemic where people become famous for doing absolutely nothing.
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