More and more days go by where I sit in a dark room with liam. He sleeping but I find I dont want to face the world. I have to fight for everything when I do and im ashamed to admit that im too drained. Its a good thing theres nothing liam needs me to fight for this minute because I need a break. I dont want to face the disaster my life has become or the hard feelings that are wrapping themselves around my heart like a boa constrictor getting ready to feast. Letting go and moving on is extremely more difficult than I ever imagined. I still blame myself for liams condition. I still feel horrid for not being able to be at him side those first 2 days of his life even though theres nothing I could have done recouvering from a c-section. I feel so guilty for then not being able to be there for lanie for those 6weeks until she got there. I dont know when the guilt is supposed to stop. I dont know when ill be able to tread water and keep my head up in the black
sea of guilt and despair.
I am a CDH mama, but I don't know you personally, yet my heart breaks for the despair I read in your entries. I think we all have a hard time getting over it and we all have a hard time taking care of our complicated babies, but most of us (I would hope all of us) have help, a lot of help, in doing it. I am praying for you to receive some help from someone!!!!! May the light of the end of the tunnel get brighter!
ReplyDeleteHugs!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer
Mom to Dakota 12-25-2008
RCDH survivor
Thank you so much Jennifer. Fortunately now that I am starting to get alittle help. I never expected it to be easy and the only reason Im getting through it is because I know that one day itll be easier.
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