Packing up

The past few days I have been working in Liam's part of the bedroom to organize his things. Deciding what will go where. It's very daunting and emotionally difficult. 

I have several extra large boxes of donations for children's hospital that I've been collecting for the last month. I have a extra large box of Liam's clothes I'm not sure what to do with. Boxes of blankets and toys galore. I'm on overload. 

I decided to make snap decisions with mostly everything because I'm so overwhelmed. 

Today I saw his bed for the last time, set up and waiting for him. 

I was "ok",

Until a few hours later I walked into the bedroom for something and saw the empty space for the first time. 

I wanted to cry. 

All I could do was close my eyes, take a deep breath and sit down. 

Rendered useless and unable to function once again. 

With it went the bedding. 

Knowing the bed was going to a little boy who needed a bed of his own,

To a little boy that would love it and appreciate it,

I just knew that the bedding needed to go with it. 

Something to brighten his day,

Hopefully the way it did Liam's.

With the bed went Liam's scooter,

Large batman,

2 Thomas DVDs,

And a folding Thomas train track with a train. 

The act of handing these over for a kid in need wasant hard. 

The after math of seeing them gone was heart wrenching. 

More evidence that my sweet little lamb is gone and never coming back 

Two weeks ago I boxed up all his soaps and toys in the bathroom. 

They didn't go anywhere but the laundry room for now. 

I thought it was so hard at the time to do that. 

But I was wrong 

The big hitter was the bed. 

That's the tale tale sign.

I'll be I his room for so long,

Then it feels as if I hit a brick wall.

I spin around to realize it's a brick cage and I'm stuck I the middle. 

Cleaning out Liam's room makes me feel physically sick. 

I don't know how I'm going to finish this daunting task. 

It's a nightmare I can't escape. 

His favorite toys are just there,

Lonely,

Collecting dust now. 

Alone without a little boy to love them.

This is what all the toys in toy story were afraid of.

Being boxed up and forgotten. 

Step By Step

(Image is of Liam singing and doing the hand motions to Lauren Diagle's "I am yours" at church)

This week has been so full of ups and downs. Laughter and tears. Wednesday was the roughest.

First I ran into a friend who'd I'd been purposely avoiding every time I walked into Walmart. I hadn't told them about Liam and wasn't looking forward to it. By the time I saw them, it was too late to turn and run the other way. I know that sounds bad, running away and all but I just wasn't ready to have to tell anyone else. I know they meant well when they said Liam was in a better place and that I needed to move on, but the words stung. I've been having a lot of people saying that I need to move on or that I need to get over it. It's hurtful. When I got to the car, I tried. Then I begged God to give me the strength to get through this because there's no way I could get through it without Him.

Later on Wednesday, I was picking up Lanie from school and one of the teachers approached me. Ms H (Lanies 1st grade teacher) told me she had bough a bunch of stuff to donate to Liam's remembrance drive benefitting our local Children's Hospital. She started listing the about and I about cried right then and there. I was so overwhelmed by her generosity and love for Liam. It was amazing really.

Wednesday nights we have TeamKids, which is our church kids program. We just started back up for the semester and it was harder than I had imagined. I missed seeing Liam there. He loved to hop on stage with Candace and sing along with the songs and do the dance moves. Seeing him worship and the way God worked through him was an amazing thing. He loved all the songs but he particularly loved "I am yours" by Lauren Diagle. He would sing this song all the time. I always have to walk away during this. Wednesday night I tried to sit through it because, well it's an amazing song and I've always loved it and it seems so stupid that I can't hear it without crying. I didn't make it. I ran out bawling. I just couldn't hold it in. Prayfully one day things wont be so emotional and heartbreaking.

(Image is the donations from Ms H)

Yesterday I picked up a huge donation from Ms H at the school for the Children's hospital drive in memory of Liam. Pictured is 5 stuffed animals, 1 Anna doll, 1 toy food shopping basket, 5 Dr Sues board books, 1 12ct protein bars, 5 wet ones wipes, 2 3ct Kleenex, 5 hair brushes, 5 15pc hair ties, 5 men's deodorants, 5 women's deodorants, 10 toothbrush/toothpaste kits, and 10 blankets. These items ...will help bring many kids comfort and joy and help take some stress away from parents who may have forgotten these personal items at home. As mom to a child who was in the hospital a lot, I can tell you that the little things like forgetting a stuffed animal or blanket for your little one can be the breaking point. And to have a nurse or volunteer suddenly knock on your door and give you this gift can be a game changer. This is huge. Thank you so much Ms Houle for your huge generosity and helping so many kids and their parents!

 

(Image is 20 stuffed animals and 20 books for donation)

 

Late afternoon yesterday I had to run to Walmart and replace my living room curtains after I ruined them in the wash. I decided to stroll down the Easter aisle to see what they had. I saw these cute small stuffed animals and these board books and decided they were perfect for the kids at children's hospital. I ended up picking up 20 stuffed animals and 20 books. Collecting all this stuff for donation to these sick kids in Liam's memory has been healing. I'm excited about this and can't wait to take everything in.

 

Each day I take things hour by hour. Some hours are crippling and others are uplifting. I can only work towards a future where the happy, uplifting moments outweigh the crippling.

 

 

Check out Liams facebook page or Shooting for Liam facebook page for more details on the Remembrance Drive in memory of Liam for Children's Hospital.

 

 

10 Weeks Gone

 

10 weeks ago today my life changed forever.

10 weeks ago the world lost a beautiful soul.

10 weeks ago Heaven gained a perfect little angel.

Heaven became an even more perfect place that day.

And this world more dreary.

 

 

I will never stop loving him.

I will never stop thinking about him.

His life on earth may have ended,

but for some reason mine continues.

Even though I'm stuck.

Stuck grieving and unable to reach air.

But God left me here to continue on whatever path he has laid out for me.

If only I could find the strength and peace of mind to carry on without him.

 

 

I face each day knowing he wont be back.

Sometimes I awake calm and thinking I have it together.

Others days,

like today,

I wake with flash back of the day I lost my sweet little lamb.

But I know now that it's not bad days,

but bad moments.

 

 

I want to thank you all for your prayers and comments.

I haven't gotten back to anyone whose commented on here.

Truth is,

between blogging from my tablet and not able to see comments on there,

and being drowning in grief,

I haven't been feeling up to responding.

But thank you.

Please continue to pray for us.