It's Going To Get Harder

(Image is a photo of me holding a sleeping Liam after a long day of bike riding exactly 1 year ag today)

"It's going to get harder before it gets better"

And it is. Much much harder. 

Yesterday we received Liam's DC had delivered to us at church. It had already been an emotional day from the minute I woke up. It's like I couldn't stop the tears.

Today in no different. Loosing Liam might as well of happened yesterday. 

Life is so different now. So sad.

There's still waves of denial where I think that he will be waiting at home for me. That when I pen the door I'll be greeted with his huge bright smile saying "mommy you back" as he runs towards me to hug as tight as his little arms are able. But then as waves of the ocean crash into rocks, so do my hopes. And my heart breaks all over again.

5 weeks tomorrow since I've last held my sweet boy. 

Saying life is unfair is the understatement of a life time.

I remember one day he was outside riding his 3 wheeled baby trike and he "crashed" and fell to the ground with the trike on top of him. He laid there and laughed. He thought it was so funny. 

He didn't get to spend as much time outside as he would have liked. He was always at the doors and windows looking out. This little boy at the age of 1 wanted outside so badly but we had to be so careful with him that he hardly got to experience it. He had been on a 24 hour feed and taking the pump outside had made it harder.  He used to sit at the back screen door and push cat food out this little hole to feed the dogs. He would place his tiny little hands on the screen and the dogs would try to lick him. On other occasions Liam would climb up the couch and sit in the window looking out. He was such a determined little boy. He always found a way to adapt to get what he wanted in one way or another.

There were so many nights when Liam would fall asleep in my arms and I wanted nothing more than to stay that way all night but couldn't because of his continuos night tube feed. Many nights I cried myself to sleep over the injustice. Other nights I would lay in his toddler bed with him for hours until my body cramped up forcing me to get up. And a few nights I was so frustrated I either brought the pump closer to my bed so me could sleep with me or forgot the feed all together. 

There were so many things in Liam's life that were unfair but he didn't mind most the time. 

When he started preschool this year, he figured out quickly that he was different. The kids in his class did as well when he had to go to school with oxygen. But they didn't care. They asked their questions then said he was so cool. One kid even compraired Liam to a firefighter. Liam loved it. On those oxygen days, the teachers would take blocks and puzzles outside for Liam to play during recess since he couldn't run around. The other kids would give up their playground time to play with him. They said they didn't want him to be alone. I was amazed by their acceptance and had cried over how wonderful it was. 

Days are getting harder. His room is still set up and it's s hard to see this room ready for the little by who is never coming back. I don't know how to handle all this. I'm so lost.

Handmade

These days it's so easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas.

We loose sight of what's important,

and our main focus become gifts.

We have a long list of who we need to buy for,

and for most of us,

a short budget to do so.

We go out searching for the best bang for our buck,

and a lot of people are willing to sacrifice some very important moments with their families.

Thanksgiving has gone to the way side.

People push it aside as if it wasn't an important holiday,

all for the sake of searching out the best deals for Christmas.

It happens every year and is only getting worse with each passing year.

Do we even remember what Thanksgiving is?

Thanksgiving is a time we are supposed to gather with family.

Contemplate and share what we are thankful for,

and how we've been blessed.

We gather,

make great food together,

eat said food,

and create memories to last a lifetime.

No Thanksgiving is ever the same.

Every year the little ones grow,

gracing us with a new years worth of crazy joy and laughter.

We will never get another chance to recreate these memories.

To give up these precious memories all in the name of shopping..

is just plain sad.

This society is now spending their Thanksgiving,

a day to be thankful for what we have,

to face the crowds and fight over material things that just won't matter in a years time.

So I offer you a new idea.

Or a "recycled" idea.

Handmade gifts.

Let's get back to enjoying the holidays,

spending time with our kids,

and reminding them what these holidays are all about.

Family.

God.

Togetherness.

Let's put a little more time into our gifts,

a little (a lot really) less money,

and put some more magic back into our lives.

I'm enjoying spending time with my daughter creating things out of "nothing".

We've been knitting scarfs and hats.

Instead of buying clothes for my daughters "American Girl" dolls,

I've been making them.

Of course I haven't been able to keep them all secrets,

so she has seen a few things.

She thinks they are for someone else,

but her eyes still light up in joy and wonder.

We are making memories together.

Bonding over each new creation.

Even when things don't turn out perfectly.

Try something new this year.

Create something with your kids,

and create memories to last a lifetime.