Changed

 

 

Life...

It's a "funny" thing.

A crappy thing.

It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

Life brings you up.

When you're at the peak,

it brings you crashing back down.

Sometimes you hit rock bottom,

other times your safe.

 

Or in my case,

the peak is only 5 feet off the ground.

Then life slams you into the earth a million miles an hour.

Barely lets you lift off,

just to send you crashing back down.

Makes you feel like every bone in your body is broken.

Makes you feel like even your soul is broken and distorted.

 

The goal is to find something to grasp on too.

Something that makes the ride enjoyable.

Something to help give and grow your faith.

Faith in life.

Faith in humanity.

Faith in God.

 

I'm having a hard time finding anything to grasp onto.

I'm having a hard time not being angry with life.

With God.

After all my baby is gone.

An innocent,

perfect little boy that was much wanted,

much needed,

is gone.

And I can't gain grasp on that.

 

My heart tells me it's my PTSD that makes me feel this way.

My heart tells me God would never do this to hurt me.

My heart tells me that even though God has a plan for everything,

the devil can weasel it's way in and change things.

But my heart hurts so much.

I find myself questioning so many things that shouldn't be questioned.

Because after all we are supposed to be faithful.

 

Why was my baby born sick?

Why did he have to spend his entire short life fighting to survive?

Why didn't God heal him?

Why did I have to loose him?

 

All questions I shouldn't ask.

 

The pain of loosing a child is so intense.

It changes everything.

Makes you question everything.

 

When you loose a child,

you loose more than just a child.

You loose birthdays.

Easter's,

Christmases.

 

You loose those morning moments when you wake up and everything feels right in the world.

You loose that first perfect smile of the morning.

You loose early morning cartoon cuddles on the couch.

You miss out on those serine moments of water play in the front yard.

You miss out on future school field trips,

learning how to read,

learning math,

learning to tie their shoes.

You miss out on catching them feeding the dogs cat food through the screen door.

You miss out on a life time worth of memories and moments.

 

Your world is turned upside down,

inside out,

sideways and well all ways.

Everything is changed and nothing is the same.

 

The pain changes you.

You don't look at the world the same.

You don't feel the same.

You have to fight for every moment you get,

not filled with tears.

The pain is so intense,

it feels like something heavy is on your chest,

making it hard to breathe.

 

This is my life.

Complicated.

Frustrating.

Heart breaking.

Changing.

 

Bedtime photo of Liam April 15, 2015