Emotional Struggle

That moment at the end of a long day when you just have to throw in the towel, wave the white flag and admit defeat. 

Between stress and allergies, I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck with a sinus cold on top of it. 

 Not only did I get the stress of what happened with Liam and preschool today  (click the link to read about it http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/08/liam-1st-and-2nd-day-of-preschool.html?m=1 ) but I found out that my daughters already large, 2nd grade class is getting new students from a they class on Monday. 1st graders making her class a 1st-2nd grade combo. 

Today has been a bad day for my anxiety making everything three times as emotional as it should be. By the end of the day I was almost begging for my PTSD to cause another episode of emotional numbness. It's something I've only ever told one person about. Something, until a few days ago, I didn't know what triggered. 

I found the following on a FB PTSD page: 

I found that I'm not the only one suffering with PTSD who has these episodes. Most the time I'm scared after they hit. And always afraid that another episode will hit.

I don't feel anything during these. Not anger. Not happiness. Not love. Just emptiness. A robot going through the motions. 

By the end of today I prayed for one of these episodes to hit. The over active emotions took a toll. Not just mentally and emotionally but physically. That's why I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck. High emotions effect my fibromyalgia. 

Clearly the meds I'm currently taking to treat my depression and PTSD aren't enough. I need something for my anxiety. It saddens me that I can't just be a normal mom without all the pain, depression and PTSD. But I've learned that having all this has made me work harder at being a good mom. All that matters are my kids and taking care of them. 

That's what gets me out of bed every morning and what makes me work past the pain and misery. Because my kids are my happiness and I need my happiness

. 

Liam's 1st and 2nd day of Preschool

Liam had his first day of preschool yesterday. First day of his second year of preschool anyway. 

This year he goes 5 days a week. His first day went well. He needed some redirection but listened very well. His preschool teachers said he did good on the playground equipment as well. 

Because Liam's gtube isn't the common Mickey button, no one can touch it and since none of the teachers are gtube certified they can't touch it. I wrap his stomach with an ace bandage everyday so that there's no chance it'll get pulled out. 

I've done everything I can to make it easier on the teachers. I offered to be there everyday and be the one to change his diapers and deal with all that but they declined saying they wanted to try him at school without me for a few days to see how he does and first day was a success. 

Liam had his very first homework. They gave him a paper plate and said for him to decorate it any way he wanted. Liam choose to glue on shaped buttons, beads and puff balls. He had a blast doing this and was proud to give it to his teachers today. 

Today was Liam's second day of preschool. He woke up cranky this morning and getting him out of bed was some work. Getting him to leave the house was even harder. He threw a fit until I told him if he didn't stop crying I would take a video of him and all his friends would see him crying. 

It was an empty threat but it worked. He instantly stopped crying, looked at me with confusion and said "what!" Lol. He had a good day at school...mostly. 

His physical therapist went to work with his at school today then called me after. The school is limiting what she can do with him and when she can work with him. She was very frustrated by this. After hearing what the preschools "rules" of her were, I was irritated as well. They made it to where he can't use the high part of the playground equipment even though she needs too to help him better and they want her to come only during their recess so she can't work with him alone without other kids running around the playground equipment she needs to use. 

Because of this we have to set up times and days for therapy at a different school so he can get the help he actually needs. On top of that she said he's doing worse than she remembered. That's not news any parent wants to hear. 

While in line at pickup, Liam decided to pull down his wrap and pull the gauze off his gtube. Mrs H came running out to get me out of line. I picked the gauze up off the ground and threw it in the trash and took his wrap off. Liam said he did it because the gauze was wet and hurting him. 

Mrs H then scolded me for throwing it in the trash saying there was a procedure they had to do (double bag it and give it to the janitor to dispose of). If that's the case, then why did they let it sit there on the floor where other kids can touch it. 

She then had a talk with me about how his fingers need to stay out of his mouth and we really need to get him potty trained. 

I'm so irritated by this because just yesterday I had a long talk with them about signs of overstimulation for him and what he does to regulate this. One was putting his fingers in his mouth. I also told her I've been working on that because of germs. I also explained how we've been working on potty training for two years. Yesterday I had just told her that I was hoping that seeing how the other kids get up and use the potty would help him to do that as well because sitting on the potty every 20-40 minutes wasn't working. 

I felt like I was being scolded today and it was frustrating and maddening. They just didn't listen to anything I said. It's already hard being a special needs parent but having outsiders make it harder is unnecessary and aggravating. I don't need this stress but it'll never go away and it won't get easier from here. 

We have a full life ahead of us with this and I just need to get prepared, pull up my boot straps and take it one day at a time. 

A Trip Down Memory Lane Aug 23 2011

4 years ago today we got word that it was official our son would be headed home for the very first time. Everyone was shocked. The doctors stood their staring at him, literally scratching their heads then told us they didn't know how he'd done it but he was ready to go home!! Hubby and I laughed at them saying "ha ha very funny" as if they were just joking with us, which we thought they were. Turned out they were dead seriously. They just couldn't understand how he went from not expecting to live to flying through NICU and surviving. We told them it was because he prayed. We had people all over the world praying for him. We believed God would give him the strength he needed to fight. And I knew he had plenty of fight in him to win. I told him so everyday. I thank God everyday for him and for everyone who prayed and continue to pray for Liam. ❤️❤️❤️ #cdhawareness #nicugrad #likeaboss #nevergiveup