Coping

WebMD describes depression as intense feelings of sadness, and other symptoms like loosing interest in things you enjoy. WebMD has a great tool to help.

 I'm currently battling the worst of my depression and PTSD. This is my third round of meds trying to treat the depression and PTSD. The side effects were always so bad I just couldn't stay with the meds but WebMD says to stick with the meds, that it could take months to help. They also say to talk to your doctor because you could need a different dose.

WebMD says excersize can help. Thats great and all but I cant find the energy to do so, or the will to push myself.

This last few weeks have been so stressful, especially this last week that yesterday I was maxed. I was so stressed out over Liam feeding supplies still not being here that I shut down. One minute I'm sweeping the kitchen and the next I'm crying and cant stop. It was hard to breathe. I was taking these gulps of air as if I was a fish stranded on dry land. It took me 10 min to pull myself together and calm down. After that I just emotionally shut down. Even today I'm shut down. I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep (another sign of depression). I think another factor is my PTSD here. As I'm fighting for Liam's feeding supplies all I could think of was if I don't get his shipment he's going to end up back in the hospital for weight loss, breathing issues and they'll hold him until we get his delivery and he starts gaining weight. All those hospital stays kept running through my head. Seeing Liam behind those metal crib bars, the beeping, cold uncomfortable pull out beds. I felt cold down to my bones and Liams sad face kept showing in my head.

At that point I started crying. I felt like I couldn't keep doing this. Like I had nothing left in me to continue a life of this. And of course that made it worse because its my responsibility to care for Liam. Mine. He should never have to see his mother break down like that and neither should Lanie. I never want Liam to feel that this is all his fault, because he did nothing wrong. That was my last straw, the exact moment when I said no more and refused to wait any longer to begin treatment. I re-starting taking my Paxil and made an appointment with a doctor to make sure I should stay on this med as well as deal with my other medical issues.

I feel resigned to the situation. I have no choice. Things have to change. I'm so angry all the time over everything. I'm angry at every day things as well as everything from Liam being born with CDH and my painful pregnancy. I started having flash backs again and nightmares. So far they haven't been too bad compared to what I've had before.

My life has been one bad card after another since the day I was born, or probably even conceived. Its a very long story that I still don't want care to get into. I was so angry yesterday questioning how bad things could continue to happen to good people. Why on earth I keep getting the short straw when all I do is give and help people. So would the theory be that if I stop caring for others that good things would then happen to me? I highly doubt it. Besides my heart isn't wired to not care for others. I honestly believe its a fault. I will give and give until I have nothing left. This blog post is the last thing I have to give right now, in hopes that maybe somehow something I wrote here today will help someone else.

Yes I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday,

But today I'm still breathing.

Still here to tell my story,

Take care of my kids.

I think that says a lot.

Sometimes you just to let it go,

let it go,

shut down,

and start all over again tomarrow.

I'm taking life one step at a time right now. 

Today I will NOT care about tomarrow.

I will find something today that can make me smile,

make me feel good,

even if only for a few minutes.

Liam is 2 years and 8 months old now. Some days it feels like we were just in NICU yesterday. Every time Liam has a hospital stay I have to start all over in coping with everything. This last break between hospital stays was 8 months. Before that the longest was 8 weeks. It takes work, doesn't go away over night.

March 1st 2014

Tuesday February 25th Liam was admitted to children's hospital for fever and vomiting. Turns out he was constipated to the point it was backed up. The docs said it was probably caused by the virus and they've seen this frequently. The fact that Liam runs on the side of constipation normally did not help the situation at all. 

In ER Liam won over all the nurses. It took 3 tries and a nurse from the cancer ward  to get his extremely wiggly mediport to behave. It broke the nurses hearts to see Liam so upset. One of them tracked down a stuffed puppy and bubbles for him. He went for chest X-rays and won the X-ray tech over and was rewarded with stickers. 

Since we made it to the floor in a room we've have seen many staff members that have been taking care of he was only 3 months old. Everyone sees his name on their charts and immediately recognizes the name and remembers him and his medical history. It makes the stays easier knowing that he's in great hands. BUT it also reminds me that the reason he gets a "homecoming" here is because he's been here so often in his short 2 1/2 years. 

This was the first hospital admittance or ER visit Liam has had in 8 months. I'm extremely greatfull for that. 

Potty Training Day 1

Well I finally broke down and started potty training little lamb. I honestly didn't feel he was ready but he's proving me wrong. He's sat on the potty 4 times today. The first time nothing but he really tried. The second time he tried hard again, really concentrating and he went # 1. The third time around he went #1 and #2!! I was amazed and very proud. And the fourth...nada. It hasn't been perfect. He's gone in his diaper many times today but I'm still proud he's trying. He knows exactly what the potty is for and he wants to use it. The knowledge and the drive is there but we will see how well each day goes. Justin thinks he will be potty trained by the end of the week. I laughed at him because its an unrealistic expectation.  Yes Lanie potty trained fast but every kid is different and Liam's been through a lot. I give him a month and he will he using the potty more than a diaper during the day. I don't expect him to be perfect. I expect accidents, maybe a few melt downs over said accidents. He's a smart boy so he will figure it out in his own time. 

To help Liam stay on the potty longer without getting bored and wanting off Justin suggested giving him a magazine. Normally I'd give him a book because that's why worked with Lanie. Only Liam's attention span is shorter so he uses his kindle to do puzzles during potty time. Hey it works!